Excellent news on a positive step forward. Good to know there is help out there for those who've served.
Monday 8th June I hadn't partaken in any serious physical activity for nearly three weeks due to having flu-like symptoms that had me bedridden for the first ten or so days. The vomiting, fever and chesty cough disappeared by last Friday, but the fatigue and nasal congestion still persist even now (I think my blocked nose has progressed to sinusitis due to the constant throbbing headache surrounding my left eye). I was going nuts from being stuck indoors so I thought "Screw it," and hit the gym despite not feeling 100%. Morning - Gym Session (1 hour) • Foam rolling & mobilisation exercises (20 minutes). • Rowing machine: 5000m at 7/10 resistance (25 minutes). • Bodyweight pull-ups: 6, 6, 4, 7, 9 (10 minutes). • 180° relaxed front & side splits (5 minutes). I felt awful during the initial 20-minute mobilisation portion of my workout. But the rowing machine left me quite invigorated, surprisingly. I had no real goals with this session; just to get moving again, I guess. Evening - Taekwon-do Class (1.5 hours) Today marked my return to ITF Taekwon-do after nearly five years away (during which time I was doing karate, judo and boxing instead). I was reluctant to go back to ITF at all, for two reasons: 1) I encountered real problems relating to egos, politics and money in the last ITF-style association I was a member of (although that was mostly restricted to a few instructors rather than a symptom of widespread corruption within the organisation itself), and 2) I hate exaggerated sine wave (that awful up-down motion that General Choi "invented" to set the original ITF apart from other ITF-style organisations). I visited a do-jang last Friday which is owned by a 5th Dan who runs classes six nights a week. He came across as a top bloke and I was pleasantly surprised to learn that he doesn't advocate exaggerated sine wave at all. Instead, he believes the natural up-down motion that occurs when one performs TKD movements normally is proper sine wave (which he prefers to call "natural motion"). He also teaches patterns with a focus on application first and aesthetics a distant second (even though he and his students are of a very high technical standard and do their patterns superbly, in my opinion). Class started off with a general warm-up and dynamic stretching, which I taught because the instructor has read some of my flexibility threads right here on MAP (woo, feel like a rock star lol ). I had them do basic joint rotations, jogging around the mats, low- and mid-section kicks, dynamic stretches (leg swings) in all directions, and finally high section kicks. I was happy that my hips didn't complain, although I was conservative and did all my swings and kicks at about 50% effort (the instructor was aware of my hip problems so he was cool with this). I bowed out and returned to the line while another instructor (3rd Dan) led the class through basic line work. I'm happy to report that I remembered how to do all the moves (although it will take some time to become familiar with the Korean terminology again), but I was breathing pretty hard by the end. Damn you, nasal congestion! The "natural motion" didn't bother my hips at all. We then broke off into our respective grades to work on our patterns (katas/forms to you non-TKD folk). I got to 1st Dan with the TAGB so I partnered up with a newly promoted 1st Dan. We whizzed through the first eight coloured belt patterns (Chon-Ji to Toi-Gye) and spent a fair amount of time going over Choong-Moo, Kwang-Gae, Po-Eun and Ge-Baek under the watchful eye of the 3rd Dan (who took the class through the line work after the warm-up). I knew these patterns before I stopped training in ITF TKD and it took only 2 or 3 run-throughs before I felt somewhat fluent in them (the 3rd Dan only corrected me a few times, and that was mostly on my rhythm). Throughout the class, I did all kicks as "measure kicks" - half speed and holding the kick at full extension for a second or two. Can still do that above my head without too much strain. The head instructor then told everyone to pick up a set of pads and we practiced movements from our patterns against the pads held by our partner. This was something I'd never encountered before and helped me get the hang of adding some 'oomph' to the moves. I lightly touched the pads with my feet when it came to doing kicks. We moved on to destruction. I broke a single black breaker board on each side with a reverse punch at chest height, and did that multiple times. We finished with some traditional conditioning - knuckle push-ups, L-sit on knuckles, planks, and finally front and side split stretches (still hitting 180° in all splits without a problem). After the class I was asked if I wanted to compete at the end of the month. I said, "Sure. Why not?" The event is billed as a British Championship from one of the smaller ITF organisations but it's usually the size of a regional. I'll be competing in 1st-2nd Dan Individual Patterns, Team Synchronised Patterns and Hand Destruction. I'm suddenly nervous as hell! But at least I'm going to be getting back into tournaments at last.
Tuesday 9th June I visited my GP and he confirmed my cold is very likely a sinus infection. He didn't give me anything for it, just said to keep taking over-the-counter stuff until it sorts itself out. Day Nurse is keeping it under control, but it does feel like somebody parked a bus in my eye socket when I first wake up in the mornings. I had no energy to hit the gym in the morning so I just went to the do-jang. Evening - Taekwon-do Class (1.5 hours) I took the warm-up again, after which we broke up into groups to work on patterns. I partnered up with the two black belts I'll be doing team patterns with in the competition at the end of the month. We're going to be doing Juche, which is absolutely beautiful. I like it more than Moon-Moo. You can see it in the video below: [ame]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IuiEzW4jti0[/ame] Our version is a lot less "bouncy". We drilled it for about an hour, after which I went off with a couple of guys working on destruction techniques for their upcoming grading. I carried on doing the reverse punch breaks I did in training last night. I got up to breaking two black breaker boards with both hands. This has given me a lot of confidence, because I broke my left hand in a karate tournament a few years ago and there's always been a mental block there ever since. My hand was giving me no trouble whatsoever. Class finished with a ten-minute circuit of knuckle push-ups, crunches, burpees and sprints, followed by static stretches.
Wednesday 10th June Still battling a sinus and chest infection so no morning workout. Evening - Taekwon-do Class (1.5 Hours) And boy, am I glad I didn't go to the gym this morning! Today's class was a killer. Before I go any further, I think it's worth mentioning that I have my instructor's permission to write details about his classes here. I won't be mentioning names for the obvious privacy reasons. Anyway, one of the 3rd Dans was supposed to lead us tonight. He was being observed by the head instructor in preparation for attending the ITF International Instructors Course at the end of this month (being held in Las Vegas, I believe). We lined up in grade order (me wearing a black karate gi and a plain black belt... at least until my ITF dobok arrives!) and the 3rd Dan bowed us in. He then instructed us to start jogging on the spot. Big mistake. "Stop!" It was the head instructor. We all stood looking at each other blankly for a few seconds. Then he asked the 3rd Dan what we're supposed to do at the start of every class. The 3rd Dan had this look of "Oh balls" across his face. "The Taekwon-do Oath, sir," he said meekly. The head instructor told him to fall in, and then took the entire class through an intense bodyweight circuit. We did sprints, burpees, squat thrusts, knuckle push-ups, sit-ups, flutter kicks, tuck jumps and other exercises I can't quite recall because of fatigue. This was done at a relentless pace for at least 10 minutes. Afterwards, all of us gasping for air, we were instructed to line up and the head instructor took us through the Taekwon-do Oath. He's a superb technician and a real stickler for tradition. But you have to hand it to the guy, he did every exercise during the beasting with us. Massive respect for that. We did a series of dynamic stretches in the form of legs swings in all directions. Then we spent the next hour going up and down the do-jang doing traditional line work, but drilling nothing but kicks: front, side, turning (roundhouse), downward (axe), twisting (these gave my hips bother so I repeated front kicks instead), reverse side (spinning back) and reverse turning (spinning heel) kicks, both the front and rear leg versions, and done equally on both sides. I'm glad to say my hips held up OK (although my heart and lungs are a different story!). The do-jang is essentially an aerobics studio in a commercial gym, with a line of floor-to-ceiling mirrors along one wall for us to check our form. I was hitting near-vertical in all my kicks without any trouble from my hips (I'm being conservative and avoiding going a full 180° in case my leg goes flying across the hall!). We took a quick water break (during which time I ran to the bathroom and coughed up a mound of brown goo from my chest) then drilled patterns for the remainder of the class. Just like the kicks, the pace was relentless. We had to cycle through our full set of patterns, so I would do Chon-Ji to Ge-Baek, then do Juche (which is the next belt up, but I'm permitted to learn it because of the upcoming tournament), and then go right back to Chon-Ji and start again. Every move had to be with 100% effort and conviction, and there was no rest permitted between patterns. If you paused for too long because you forgot a move, or you rested too long between patterns, or you lost balance, or did anything that wasn't part of the pattern, you were "rewarded" with 10 knuckle push-ups. I think I ran through my full set of patterns (plus Juche) about 4 or 5 times - and did probably twenty times as many knuckle push-ups! It was tough but a hell of a lot of fun! We spent the last five minutes or so cooling down with a series of static stetches. I added a series of PNF side and front split stretches when I got home. I'm quickly falling in love with TKD all over again.
Thursday 11th June Man, what a crap day. I didn't get more than an hour's sleep. What I thought was a minor road rage incident earlier in the day (yesterday) ended up triggering heightened feelings of anger and frustration when I was trying to fall asleep. I was sweating buckets even though I wasn't hot (my clothes were sodden), so I ended up going into the spare bedroom, shut the door, and kicked seven shades of sugar out of my pillow for about twenty minutes while trying not to wake Mrs VZ. Oh the joys of PTSD. Only thing that sent me under was knocking back a handful of Nytol with a couple of glasses of red wine. And I hate red wine. But it was the only alcohol we had in the house (it was a gift from friends to my wife for competing at the BJJ worlds). Combine that with a full day of back-to-back training sessions with clients - and being nearly late for every single appointment because the Highways Agency decided to make today the day when they set up roadworks every 500 yards between here and Merseyside - and I was practically dead come late afternoon. Still, I'm a stubborn git and that annoying inner voice of mine insisted I go to training. Evening - Taekwon-do Class (1.5 Hours) Well, 1.5 hours ish. I was four minutes late for class. The dojang rules state that the "reward" for tardiness is 25 knuckle push-ups for every minute late. Somehow I managed to knock them out (I think I chipped a tooth from gritting my teeth so hard). The warm-up consisted of traditional line work, a series of blocking and punching techniques in various stances while moving up and down the hall. That lasted for about a quarter of an hour. Then it came to dynamic stretches and my legs felt like concrete pillars. They were just so damn heavy. The feeling of lead weights tied to my feet only lasted until about thirty minutes into the session, thanks to the cocktail of paracetamol and ibuprofen I necked just before class. Don't worry, I'm not stupid enough to do that on an empty stomach. I grabbed a cheese burger on the way to the dojang, which is why I was late - and why I also had a crazy ass stitch in my left side for the whole class. Woo. Anyway, we did some patterns but spent most of the time drilling 3-, 2- and 1-step combinations. Can't remember what combinations I did because I was so light-headed from my lung being punched black and blue by the stitch. I think I passed wind but I can't be sure. I'm going to sleep until Monday.
Thanks, both of you. Yesterday was just one of those days. Been working through some of my coping strategies, exercises to look at situations objectively and rationally etc, and my mood is definitely better today.
Friday 12th June Today was better than yesterday. Wednesday's road rage incident was my first real outburst of anger since I returned home from the residential PTSD treatment centre in April. It was way out of character for the "new me" considering the progress I've made, so I had a telephone consultation with my therapist. She pointed out that the incident more significant than I thought it was. I was coming off an extremely busy motorway during rush hour. As I was braking to meet stationary traffic ahead of me on the slip road, a van undertook me on the hard shoulder at high speed. He cut in front of me (missing the front of my car by only a few feet) and slammed on his brakes to avoid rear-ending the car in front of him. This of course made me brake hard and my first instinct was to press my horn (and hold it for a good 15-20 seconds). Van Man then stuck his head out of his window, shouted something and threw me a not-so-polite gesture with his middle finger. Without even thinking, I unbuckled my seatbelt, got out of my car (leaving my door wide open) and marched up to Van Man's window. He obviously saw me coming because his window went up as I approached. I shouted something at him (can't remember what), tried to open his door (it was locked) and then banged my fist against his window (while still shouting). It wasn't hard enough to damage the glass, but my hand has been pretty sore since yesterday. Van Man avoided looking at me. The traffic in front was moving by this point and he sped off. Cars behind mine started honking their horns and overtaking. I stood there with arms spread wide offering them a fight. I got back in my car, drove forward a bit to join the queue (the lights were red by this point) and then lost control again. I was swearing, shouting, sounding my horn, hammering both fists on the wheel, banging my head against the headrest... just anything and everything I could think of to get a release. My therapist asked me what my intentions were had Van Man's door been unlocked. I answered bluntly and honestly, I told her I really wanted to pull him out of his car and hit him... just sit on top of him and keep punching, and punching, and punching him in the face. My therapist was alarmed by the speed and scale of escalation of my temper and my inability to implement any of the immediate coping strategies I was taught during treatment. Apparently my insomnia was caused by not being able to sufficiently release my anger (my automatic coping strategy is to hit stuff, and beating up my car wasn't enough, hence the assault on my pillow at 3am). She wanted to prescribe some medication to help control my mood swings and make sleeping easier (she's worried knocking back Nytol with red wine is a gateway to alcohol dependency lol), but I convinced her I didn't need them. I did agree to go to an anger management support meeting on Sunday, which is an interim measure until I see her (she couldn't get me in until next week). And she wants to test me for bipolar disorder, which will be fun (not). So I took today off work and went for a long walk in the woods, drew, did some positive visualisation and other stuff. Really, anything to keep my mind in an objective state so that I didn't get overwhelmed with shame and destructive "What if..." thoughts. I was feeling pretty good by the afternoon and I was up for going to Taekwon-do. Some of you might be questioning why I'm revealing all of this here. Well, two reasons: 1) my log serves as a kind of journal therapy, and 2) doing it on a public forum like MAP helps me combat feelings of stigma that are often attached to mental illness. It's only by admitting I have problems that I can deal with them properly, and there's clearly still unresolved issues I need to address. Anyway... Evening - Taekwon-do Class (1.5 hours) The pace was much slower tonight. The instructor had us jogging around the hall with high knees, doing butt kicks, lateral steps etc. I found the pace comfortable but it was enough to get me warm. We then did leg swings in all directions. I'm happy my hips held up OK. The focus of tonight's class was self-defence applications from combinations of movements from the patterns (hosinsul in Korean; bunkai in Karate). I've never been a believer of pattern applications. Hell, I've gone so far as to ridicule well-respected advocates of the subject like Iain Abernathy. I still think most of the applications I see on YouTube are pulled out of the instructor's **** (it is YouTube after all...) But tonight I let my inhibitions go and just went along with it. I've got to say, I actually enjoyed it! Some of the applications we were taught were very creative and might work if they were drilled enough times under the right conditions. Others I'm not sure were workable at all, but maybe that's just me. But either way, it was one hell of a workout (applying techniques against resisting opponents is hard!) It was nice to get away from the traditional side for a bit too. In other news, only in Manchester will you see 100+ nude cyclists riding through the streets; freerunners in pink tutus doing an obstacle course for 24 hours in aid of charity; a guy lighting up* in front of a police station in order to get arrested as part of some kind of protest; super-talented street performers who could easily win the X-Factor; artists painting graffiti on walls that is better than a lot of classical art; hundreds of same-sex and inter-racial couples walking the streets or drinking in bars and nobody bats an eye; and many other wonderful things. God I love this crazy town. * Specific drug reference not included for obvious TOS reasons.
God bless, Van - heart goes out to you. Would that be Abilify? My son takes that for his bipolar - its the only med we've found so far that works and doesn't alter his personality - which in itself can be more frightening than the disorder. Thing with it being (if it is the one she's rec) is its incredibly expensive and we've found that the generic IS NOT THE SAME COMPOUND, regardless of what they say. SO be careful with regards to generics - at least until you've had experience with the Brand name. The other thing with Abilify is it does a number on the white-blood cells - though I've not detected a reduction in our son's energy levels as I had with Depakote.
I don't know mate, she didn't specify. All she said was she wanted to give me something that would stabilise my moods during the day and something else to help me fall asleep (but not sedate me) in the evening. Guess I'll find out tomorrow...
Saturday 13th June Started the day practicing my pre-competition relaxation and visual routine, which involved lying on my back tensing and then relaxing each muscle group from feet to head while thinking positive thoughts. Grabbed a coffee and bite to eat from Starbucks before heading to the dojang. Morning - Taekwon-do Class (3 Hours) No, that isn't a typo. Three damn hours. See, I knew the dojang was open for 3 hours but I thought that time was divided up into two, maybe three classes. The instructor just told me to be there for 10:30am when I asked him the night before what time class started. Turned out Saturdays are focused on competitions, and the intensity is doubled as well as the duration. The first hour was dedicated to kicking techniques and leg conditioning. I had the confidence to actually do my high kicks on pads, even though I was only tapping them (I don't know how much impact I can take nor do I really need to worry about developing power right now). We did lots of slow kicks, holding the leg out in the air, drawing shapes in the air with our feet, and so on. I took breaks often, probably twice as many as anyone else. I'm being conservative in my return to training and that means forcing myself to stop even if I feel fine. The second hour was supposed to be spent on sparring drills. But I don't spar so I focused exclusively on my solo patterns for the upcoming competition. I rehearsed everything from walking on to the mat, bowing in, doing the pattern(s) obviously, bowing out and walking off. Unlike open competitions, I don't get to choose a preferred pattern. Instead the head judge will call out a pattern of his choice and it can be any within my grade; that's twelve possible patterns that I have to perform well. I manged to perform each pattern at least twice in the hour. The last hour was spent rehearsing the team pattern (Juche) with my two team mates. I must say we're looking pretty slick. I thought about doing some destruction practice but my hand is still sore from Wednesday's incident so I skipped it. Class finished with front and side split relaxed stretches. By the end I was soaked in sweat and knackered, even though all I was doing was traditional moves at a moderate pace. The stance work and leg conditioning drills revealed weaknesses I have that are specific to Taekwon-Do (which makes sense because I haven't done it in ages). I'm confident they will resolve themselves in time.
Monday 15th June The last of the horrible flu/sinus infection finally packed its bags and went along its merry way, thank God. Had a great meeting with my therapist and we agreed on a new treatment plan that includes regular contact sessions but avoids medication (for now at least). Some things came to a head over the weekend, which was traumatic for me, but which was also very cathartic and was the breakthrough I needed (and the sole reason my therapist agreed to keep me off meds). Morning - Walk (2 Hours) It was nice out and I had no clients this morning so I decided to go for a scenic hike. It was a chance for me to work my heart 'n' lungs and collect my thoughts. There is a national park right on my doorstep, with a 1.5-mile long woodand path which is more a less a steep incline all the way to the top. It runs parallel to a river most of the way with lots of beautiful waterfalls. It was a great walk and the views at the top of the peak were breathtaking. I kept the pace easy but steady, stopping every now and then to catch my breath and admire the views. Walked 3 or 4 miles in total. Evening - Taekwon-do Class General warm-up and dynamic stretches followed by lots of leg conditioning work (a lot like Saturday) - slow leg raises, leg circles, figure 8's, doing walking lunges followed by a front kick with the rear leg on the rising portion of the movement and so on. That covered the first hour. The last 30 minutes was spent rehearsing our routine for team patterns. Relaxed front and side split stretches right at the end for a couple of minutes.
Tuesday 16th June Morning - Gym Session (1 Hour 20 Minutes Foam rolling & mobilisation routine (10 minutes). Rowing machine: 2500m at max resistance (15 minutes). Barbell rows: 4 x 12 @ 45kg. Wide-grip pull-ups: 6, 6, 4, 7, 9 (no weight). Dumbbell one-arm rows: 4 x 12 @ 15kg. Back extensions: 4 x 10 with a 10kg plate. 180° relaxed side and front split stretches. Evening - Taekwon-do Class (1 Hour 30 Minutes) Warm-up consisted of joint rotations, jogging around the do-jang and leg swings in all directions. Coloured belt grading coming up so most of the class was spent covering the kup grade patterns and step-sparring, even though I won't be testing myself. Finished with some board breaking practice - could only manage up to 1 black board, I just really wasn't feeling it tonight. Wednesday 17th June Morning - Swimming (40 Minutes) No real goals here. Just a casual two dozen or so lengths up and down the 25m pool. Did some half-arsed relaxed stretches for pecs, biceps, triceps and delts in the shower afterwards. Evening - Taekwon-do Class (1 Hour 30 Minutes) More of a focus on the upcoming tournament tonight. Went straight into doing all patterns in sequence; did Chon-Ji to Ge-Baek once through. Then I teamed up with the two people I'll be doing team patterns with and we rehearsed Juche about a half dozen times. Found out the 3rd Dan who is one of my team-mates in team patterns will (potentially) be one of my opponents in individual patterns, because the competition organisers are putting 1st to 6th Dans together in one category due to lack of interest. Thursday 18th June Morning - Gym Session (45 Minutes) Foam rolling & mobilisation sequence (10 minutes). Toes-to-bar: 4 x 10 with 6kg med ball between feet. Ab wheel rollouts: 4 x 10 with 10kg vest. Russian twists: 4 x 10 with 6kg med ball. Plank: 4 x 30 seconds with 10kg vest. 180° PNF side and front split stretches. Evening - Taekwon-do Class (1 Hour 30 Minutes) Sparring-focused pad session tonight. My hips seem OK if I keep the power of my kicks under the 50% max impact threshold (or what feels like the threshold to me). I'm more or less just touching the pads with my feet and I'm cool with that. I partnered up with a very cool 58-year old 4th Dan who can still kick very well despite his age and having had one hip and both knees replaced. He also lacks a left arm below the shoulder because the one he was born with was bitten off in a shark attack. The guy is the epitome of "hard". Friday 19th June Evening - Taekwon-do Class (1 Hour 30 Minutes) Very quiet class so much of it was spent on practising solo patterns and destruction techniques for the upcoming competition. Did some basic self-defence stuff at the end, going from the "hands up" and "thinking man" fence positions into some pretty brutal fight enders - double thumb eye gouge followed by a headbutt; solid hook slap to the jaw into clinching and knees & elbows; and the good ol' testicle destroying toe punt followed by a strong cross to the jaw. My instructor's day job is working in security and the scars he wears are testament to his experience of putting this stuff to use. Saturday 20th June Morning - Taekwon-do Class (4 Hours 30 Minutes) Absolute monster of a session today, but because of the amount of time we spent perfecting all the technical details of my patterns and not because it was a particularly cardio intensive workout (doubt I'd have survived if it was). Took plenty of breaks to give my bad hip enough rest, so it wasn't exactly a 4.5-hour continuius session. The first three hours were a group class, and the last 90 minutes was a private lesson with just me and my instructor. Usually he's quite relaxed when it comes to patterns and all the little things like where your hands are, which way your feet are pointing etc. But because I'm competing in patterns and I'll be judged specifically on the aesthetics of my performance (rather than the application), he was a taskmaster in our private lesson. Your rear hand needs to be an inch higher on your belt." "You need to turn your foot out another 10 degrees." "Chin up." "Think about where your eyes are looking." "Chin up." "Pull your shoulders back like you're squeezing an orange." "CHIN UP GODDAMIT!" Hard work but lots of fun. One week left before the competition and my confidence is very high. I'm not concerned with medalling at this point, I just want to get through my patterns without messing them up!
So, today was the competition (Taekwon-do British Championships). I didn't medal. Individual Patterns. Solo traditional forms/katas for you non-TKD people. I won 3 matches before losing the 1/4 final to the eventual winner. I did well to get that far considering I'm only a 1st Dan and had to borrow a 4th Dan uniform (long story), so I had to do up to 5th Dan patterns. The format was the Head Judge would call out a black belt pattern for you and your opponent to perform next to each other at the same time, and then a coloured belt pattern. In my last match, the Head Judge told us to do a pattern I've done maybe once in my entire life, and I completely fluffed it. Oh well. Team Patterns. We performed Juche as our pattern of choice. We won one match and lost the next one (also the 1/4 final). Hand Destruction. This was a full division (at least 30 competitors) but I was surprised (shocked even) by the number of black belts who couldn't even break a single white board with a reverse punch. I only had to break three times on each side, the last of which (on my left side - my weak hand) I failed to break three black boards. Two other guys did, so I came third overall. No medal however because they only gave medals for 1st place in that division. It was a very long day (as tournaments always are). But I had lots of fun and there are many positives to consider when looking at it in context, which means I can walk away satisfied. Namely- • I got the highest patterns score of the day (in my 2nd match). • Individual patterns was 1st to 6th Dan (they bunched everyone together) and I was the only (genuine) 1st Dan grade in the last six. • My hips held up fine. • I got invited to start training with the ITF England patterns squad! The first ever IBJJF British National Championships were also held today in London, and my wife became British Champion in her first competition as a blue belt!
Thanks It was unfortunate we were competing in our respective sports on the same day, but I'm thrilled for her. I should probably stop winding her up with my comments that BJJ is the sport of hugging people, seeing how she's British Champion now... And I have a nagging feeling that somewhere along the line I (jokingly) wagered A LOT of money on who would do better at their competition. Balls.
