Getting into a relationship with someone you aren't attracted to

Freedom to love - an act of will

We've just celebrated our 31st wedding anniversary.
We have had our ups and some very serious downs when neither of us thought the relationship would survive. In those years physical attraction has not been consistent and one of the causes of discord was that in the beginning our relationship was based perhaps too much on physical attraction. When the attraction waned, and was pushed aside by other concerns, we were not sure where we were with each other and we had to learn to love each other in other ways and for other reasons. - Well, we did not have to. We could have given up on the relationship.
Physical attraction returns as well - as has been said, the more you love someone, the more they can appear beautiful to you.
What were those concerns which displace physicality?
We have had 8 children and the tiredness, the physical changes, the emotional and hormonal turmoil (in both of us) took their toll and so did the state of not having enough money for several years at a time. Not many couples have so many children, but even one or two will change the relationship of the parents.
But we are both happy to be still married to each other.
Why?
Because happiness is a state of mind that you can train yourself to choose, and love is also a choice. It is the choice to prefer the other person over our own desires. If what we fundamentally aim for is to make them happy then we can be happy in that purpose, whether or not we achieve it as much as we aim to do.
Being physically attracted (and attractive) is unlikely to be a permanent state. Being in love is wonderful but it is, to some extent, a hormonal accident. Love is a choice and we learned to make that choice, and it is not dependent on hormones.

It is right that if you do not feel stable in yourself, that you avoid inflicting that on others, but do not get too hung up on your own defects either. Self-centredness is a recipe for permanent frustration.

So, if the situation arises again pause and consider that physical attraction is relative and will always change. And when it does, ask yourself whether you will be WILLING to love that person enough to stick by her? However, if the main part of your relationship is mutual compatibility of mind, of belief, of purpose, etc. If it is based on a mutual decision to make things work, in spite of differences and through them, then the relationship begins on a much stronger footing.

Be wary of your own feelings. Ask your friends, an uncle or aunt (parents are sometimes too close and conflicted), preferably mature individuals who have your interests at heart rather than a vicarious desire for you to get laid - do you think she is right for me?
Look at her background. Do you like her folks? People often replicate what they have been brought up to consider normal. Alternatively, does she like them, or does she want to break away from them?
Does she like your friends and family and why? - there may be healthy reasons, either way.


Remember that you are a free agent and not bound by your feelings, and can learn to guide them. Your happiness and the love you express are not accidents or dictated by what happens to you and who you meet.
Perhaps the greatest things you will achieve will be related to how much you love.