Getting into a relationship with someone you aren't attracted to

Discussion in 'Off Topic Area' started by Madao13, May 17, 2016.

  1. Madao13

    Madao13 Valued Member

    I am somewhat involved with a girl who seems to be quite fond of me.
    We had a few sporadic dates at the end of last year and now there is a chance to pick it from where we left it.

    She is a great person and has many good qualities I admire, but I am not attracted to her.
    I am thinking of giving it a shot though for various reasons..

    I wonder if anyone in MAP has an opinion or some experience on the matter.
    Has any of you ever entered into a relationship with a person that you weren't attracted to ? Was it a positive experience or you came to regret it?

    Did you reach a point where you felt the same with her/him?
  2. Aegis

    Aegis River Guardian Admin Supporter

    I did something similar at university, and it didn't end well because it felt like I'd forced myself into the situation rather than going willingly. Wouldn't recommend it based on my own experiences, as it wasn't fair on the other party and didn't really do anything for me in the long run either. Lose lose.

    Obviously your situation could turn out entirely different.
  3. philosoraptor

    philosoraptor carnivore in a top hat Supporter

    I would not move forward on this.
  4. SWC Sifu Ben

    SWC Sifu Ben I am the law

    Be honest with yourself
    Be honest with the people around you

    Do that and life will sometimes be hard but you'll never have to question your integrity and you'll end up with people who you value and who value you in return.

    So in this case, leave. It's not fair to you, and it's not honest to her.
  5. Dead_pool

    Dead_pool the merc with the mouth MAP 2017 Moi Award

    It depends on how 'not attracted' to her you are, and how well you get on aside from that.

    Are you not attracted because youve friend zoned her or some other reason?

    Generally its not a great place to start from though.
  6. Latikos

    Latikos Valued Member

    Without experience in the field, I'd say skip it.

    Sure, it might be possible that you come to actually love her, but personally I wouldn't want that risk.

    If I were to come into a relationship, I'd also would expect to be attracted to the other person - otherwise it would be just a friendship with... additions, but not a "real" relationship.

    Plus, it's not really fair to the other, who probably is attracted to you.
    You would know for yourself: "It's worth a try" whereas your partner might expect more then a "try", because it's love (or whatever the proper wording would be).

    Not really fair to yourself either, actually.
  7. Madao13

    Madao13 Valued Member

    I expected that the vast majority will share the same opinion.
    It does sound like a bad idea, I know.

    To answer to deadpool, I am not physically attracted to her.
    She's not my type.

    But it's also a psychological thing. I tend to be attracted to women that don't show any interest in me and I attract women that I don't like.
    So with most women I have a couple of dates, some fun and I end it.
    The same happened with her, but now that I met her again and she is still interested.. you know..

    Some good friends of mine made this emotional compromise in the past and they ended up with long term relationships, so I wanted to ask more people about this.
  8. pgsmith

    pgsmith Valued dismemberer

    Since you asked for opinions, here's one from the other side ...

    My type was always flashy, outspoken, and self-confident. Those were the type of women I was attracted to (I married one actually, and she turned out to be a horror!) About the time I was ending my first marriage, I happened to work with a young lady. She was brunette where I preferred blondes or gingers. She was quiet and shy, where I preferred boisterous and outgoing. We dated a few times anyway, and the more I got to know her, the more I enjoyed being around her. After seven years we finally got married, and we've been married for 21 years now.

    Physical attraction is loads of fun, but it wanes with familiarity anyway. As long as she excites you enough to enjoy after hours with each other, I wouldn't place too much emphasis on physical attraction personally. It's the mental attraction that will give your relationship staying power. Do you enjoy being with her? Do you have fun and laugh at each others stupid jokes? How does she fit in with your other friends? Can you talk easily or is it awkward? These are the questions you need to ask yourself before going forward in my opinion.
  9. Latikos

    Latikos Valued Member

    And no imagine those people would have chosen a relationship with a person, they're actually attracted to!

    I don't know, maybe I'm just weird in that regard as well, but if were to spent years of my life with another person, share pretty much everything with that person - personally I would want to be in love with that other person and not just take the second best thing, that might be close enough.
  10. Madao13

    Madao13 Valued Member

    I hear you Latikos, but finding a person which shares a mutual attraction with you, it's damn difficult in my experience.
  11. SWC Sifu Ben

    SWC Sifu Ben I am the law

    I tend to have more trouble screening out the ones who are no good for me or just generally socially incompatible and I'm not exactly a pretty boy or particularly wealthy. It shouldn't be hard to find someone whose bones you want to jump. Beauty is common you just end up having to screen for brains, interests, and world view. As for their end, if a product doesn't sell to the desired audience you need to improve the product, improve the marketing, both, or pick a different market.
  12. Unreal Combat

    Unreal Combat Valued Member

    I'm generally attracted to black & asian girls. White girls are just not my type in general. Yet Ruth is probably the best thing that ever happened to me. She's whiter than a moomin.

    Attraction isn't just about what's on the outside. If you both share a real & deep mental connection it's absolutely worth giving something a chance because for me beauty is just a cosmetic.

    Sometimes something different is a good thing. Even when there isn't that initial attraction that you usually go for.
  13. Dead_pool

    Dead_pool the merc with the mouth MAP 2017 Moi Award

    If your type is girls not attracted to you, maybe its time to try another type.
  14. YouKnowWho

    YouKnowWho Valued Member

    If there are 2 girls,

    1. You love her more than she loves you.
    2. She loves you more than you love her.

    IMO, it will be better in the long run that you marry to type 2 girl.
  15. Ben Gash CLF

    Ben Gash CLF Valued Member

    Is she pretty?
    Does she have boobs?
  16. embra

    embra Valued Member

    For harmless fun, no problem whatsover. For something more serious, you can't always tell at the begining, sometimes you have to know someone pretty well, to know if you are good for each other.

    Only one way to find out...
  17. aaradia

    aaradia Choy Li Fut and Yang Tai Chi Chuan Student Moderator Supporter

    Personally, I feel that wnen you start dating , the idea of mutual attraction is implied. Unless you actually tell her how you feel honestly, then the relationship is being founded on an untruth.

    Does she know you aren't attracted to her? Would she still want to continue knowing you feel that way?

    If the answer is yes, then it could be pursued to see what develops.

    If the answer is NO, then the relationship is starting without honesty, and I can't see how anything good would develop from that.

    Would you, or anyone here, want to date someone KNOWING they didn't feel an attraction to you?
  18. YouKnowWho

    YouKnowWho Valued Member

    Girl: I want to be your girlfriend.
    Boy: But I already have many girlfriends.
    Girl: Then you don't mind to add one more into your list. I don't need 100% of you. If I can just have 10% of your love, I will be happy.
    Boy: ...

    When your girl don't mind you to date another girl/girls, she means no pressure to you. That relationship can last for a long time. It's usually when a girl asks you to choose between her and the other girl, the relationship could terminate right there.
  19. embra

    embra Valued Member

    Aaradia and YKW: you are speaking from the perspectives of female and male respectively.
    Last edited: May 18, 2016
  20. Unreal Combat

    Unreal Combat Valued Member

    Aaradia is female. It is safe to assume her opinion is founded more from her own perspective, which would make a degree of sense. :)

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