Depression Coming Back

I am sorry to hear all that. I hope you will be able to change things. Do you have friends you could hang out with to help you think about something else than all the things that trouble you to help change your mood a bit?
I hope you will be able to get yourself off this cycle and lucky with getting a better job since that should get some of the burden off you.

That thing with your girlfriend sounds unpleasant. Try to really just sit down and talk to her and see things from her perspective, too. Let her know of your feelings and ask for understanding. Definitely also let her know about your positive feelings toward her. Talk about things you both can try to change. She may appreciate if you will be the strong man and tell her everything straight instead of just not talking and waiting for her to get an idea while she gets more distant. It would be a pity if you lost her just like that.
When you say she spends all the time with her friend, does it mean you don't really spend much time together, now?

I can't really help, but I hope things will be better for you Find the strenght to do things.


...if I remember you aren't going to the MAP meet in the end, are you?

 

Yeah well now that I managed to write it down I repeated it to her more less as I wrote it. I also added (and forgot to write down) that I was really upset that she was laughing with other people but I couldn't do it because of how I was feeling. Made me cry. Think the one thing I left out ended up being the most shameful.

Don't feel much better but it has reduced the tension I've been feeling by a fair bit.

 

Not as much. Mostly mental. My bike is still working (barely) so I could make it. It's only four miles and I can do that twice a day when I want to, especially with nice weather.

 

That's great you did it and that it reduced the tension. That it should!
I don't understand why you would call something like that shameful, though. What's shameful about it? It makes perfect sense that you feel down and all the more alone if she can laugh with others and sort of leave you behind there. You shouldn't be ashamed of your feelings and of being sad. Not at all! And you know what made you sad, so you can try to solve it bit by bit.
If you get the opportunity, it would be great if you told her, too and as calmly as possible asked her what her thoughts were. Maybe she has a perfectly valid reason, too, like trying to cheer you up, or take the focus out of you so people won't ask you uncomfortable stuff. Maybe it is also her way of lifting up the mood. Talking about problems is always a good idea.

 

How about writing it down and giving the letter to your girlfriend.
Might not be the best way or a possible way at all for everyone, but for me it's easier that way, because I can channel my thoughts this way, as I am not good with spoken words in the first place.

Aside from the girlfriend-part I understand pretty much, what's going on and how you feel, but I can't say anything useful.
My medication dose it's on its highest because of that, so... yeah.


Than: I am with Simon.
Considering self-harm isn't part of depression, so it might be just that, despite not being suicidal or wanting to self-harm.
(Just as self-harm isn't a sign, that the person wants to kill himself, but that's another sidetrack).

I was told several times, to *really* finally consider therapy - I never did (therapy, I mean; I did consider it), but it's certainly a good idea.
Personally I also got lucky enough (even though it certainly doesn't fee like luck), that medication (SSRI) work for me (in combination with a natural sedative); so apparently my own brain is wrecked enough, but sort of able to get repaired

No idea on the girlfriend-front, other than the above, as that really isn't my terrain at all.

 

When I was fresh out of the Marine Corps and moved to DC, I didn't want to go to school and I was having a lot of difficulty finding a job. I was in a new area and knew nobody, had no hobbies I could engage in unless I got out into the community I didn't want to be a part of, and was generally just really miserable because I didn't anything to do. I ended up being really angry all the time, and it became a cycle of being so angry I didn't really contribute towards anything that would help better my situation. I had a few other things contributing to this situation, but in essence it sounds similar to the situation you describe. I think after I stole my ex wife's handle of vodka in the freezer, drinking myself into a hole and talking to somebody online via a crisis hotline chat thing for veterans (which helped none), that I started to decide I needed to put a focused effort into changing my habits and routine to be more constructive.

Therapy is a good option to go with. Most therapy is what is called "talk therapy," and doesn't include the use of medication. Talk therapy generally helps you identify life habits, figure out what's contributing to your situation, and what steps you can take to help improve your situation. It sounds simple enough, but it's pretty hard to do on your own and especially if you don't have any sort of practice doing it. I don't generally tell people who discuss having a problem that they should go see a therapist for the most part. Not because it wouldn't be helpful, but it costs money, and a lot of the stuff you learn from a psychologist as far as life improvement goes you can either find in a book, online, or through a mentor like a parent or close friend (which is often just as or more beneficial, my psychiatrist will tell you the same). I do recommend using a therapist if you don't have access to those things or don't want to involve people close to you (important to note that closing yourself off to those close to you is often part of the problem). Most importantly, I do recommend using a therapist if it helps create a situation in which you are accountable for addressing the things causing your situation in a structured manner. Like a trainer or coach that tells you to do something, that you have to face the next day/week who will chastise you for not committing yourself enough.

I don't know you, but given that you're on a forum I'm guessing you're probably very introverted. By your description of your relationship and worry about losing it, it sounds like it might be difficult for you to form strong friendships/bonds with people which can make everything else a lot harder to deal with. Aside from all that, it sounds like you're having a pretty difficult time finding your way to being independent and productive by either your own definition of what that means, or by societies definition of what it means. In summary, it sounds like you don't feel like you're living to your potential and it's causing a lot of anger. If this is the case, how you feel is a completely normal reaction.

The remedy is figuring out how to do something about it, and structuring it in a way in which you can succeed. Like wanting to run a marathon, you can't just say one day "I'm going to start running ten miles a day to train!" You'll fail. You have to set smaller, attainable goals, and while the goal seems extremely distant at the start it does get closer over time. Identifying what the issues are and setting up a structure to address them is something only you can really do, because it's literally unique to every person. People, research, or a therapist, can help you. Most of it's as simple as, "are relationships important to you? If yes, then do you prioritize maintaining or building those relationships in comparison to other things in your life?" Addressing questions like that can help you see that you might see relationships as more important than training, leisure time, and video games, but in application you're prioritizing all those things over building relationships and stuff like that can contribute massively to being discontent.

Simon's advice of hitting up a short exercise in the morning is actually pretty good advice, even if it might come off as dismissive to somebody who doesn't know the physiology of it and why it can be extremely helpful. I was able to circumvent dealing with issues I had both with my ptsd and general anger at not feeling I was living to my potential through copious amounts of exercise by boxing. Not only did I circumvent some of the more serious underlying issues I had, but I was able to avoid them completely while being successful in rebuilding my life after the military. The unfortunate side is when I got dinged on the head, compounding another head injury I had, I lost all control over my life and didn't have the knowledge of my underlying problems to be able to address them. So it ended up being a very long road to recovery for me.

This is just food for thought. Again, I don't know you but many of us face the same kinds of problems which is why I felt ok to comment. You very well may have something physiologically wrong with your brain which medication would help with, but statistically that isnot as likely the case. If any of this sounded like it might be applicable, I can certainly help point you in the direction of some writing exercises (ones a therapist would use) to help identify issues and help build some structure to addressing them.

You should definitely let your girlfriend read your posts on this thread so you can have a decent discussion with her about it. Just don't post anything incriminating in future posts : P.

 

I believe you should speak to your GP or Doctor. They should try and help and explain all the options available to you.

Mine told me to either look for private counselling or try going to some volunteer groups that offer it.

For me, counselling didn't seem like the right path. It's not that I didn't want to talk about issues, I just didn't know what the issues were. You could look at my life during that time period and there was nothing wrong, at all.

Inside though, I just couldn't explain why I was feeling so low. All the time. It wrecked my relationship and destroyed all the passion I had for work and hobbies at the time. I was drinking heavily which didn't help either.

After splitting with my partner and still not knowing what the problem was I had a breakdown over something so stupid that a year prior I'd have just laughed about it. This was what drove me to go to the doc. I wanted to try and find something to level my state of mind. Something to take the edge of. So my doctor prescribed me Citalopram. I was on a high does for about 2 1/2 years before dropping down for another couple of years and eventually coming off them 6 months ago.

I was lucky, I didn't suffer any negative side effects but I know it can be horrible for some people. The only issues I had would be if I missed a couple of pills I'd suffer from 'Brain Zaps' - these were really strange sensations. Shortness of breath, feeling of electric running throughout my body. It felt like I had massive energy inside me that just needed to burst out. (I still get them occasionally)

Anti Depressants are not for everyone but they really, REALLY helped me and I'd urge anyone / everyone who feels they are genuinely unable to cope to try them. It's like hitting the reset button or it was for me anyway. It gives to a level playing field to start looking at what going wrong.

the important thing to see here though is you have taken a brilliant step in talking to someone / us about it.

Only you can decide what to do next but remember YOU CAN get through this if YOU WANT to.

 

Also, please remember that depression does not always involve wanting to hurt yourself.

 

Today went from fine to so bad - so quickly.

Just one small thing that made me feel crap has spiralled into negative thoughts for the last hour. I'm just so frustrated. I'm not going to accomplish anything or do anything meaningful and life is just so hard. I sound so god damn stupid reading this back to myself. Absolutely pathetic and I hate it and I just want it to stop.

 

Have you tried doing any sort of tasks that take your mind off of things or help you feel better by being productive? Like cleaning or writing or anything like that?

 

I'm sorry to hear that. But it happens to the best of us. To some degree at least. I hope you'll feel better soon.

What was the thing that made you so upset? Unless it is something too personal to share, of course.

 

Like Ero says, when you feel it coming on, find something to do. Trying to think your way out of it is usually a losing strategy.

Clean your flat, do some exercise, start writing, pick up your guitar, draw a picture, read a book... anything that might distract you while that initial wave hits you. Once it levels out a bit you can stop and think about what happened, if you want to.

 

Honestly feeling a bit put out because your girlfriend and her friend are talking spanish around you seems normal to me.
I think speaking in a second language, that someone in the group doesn't understand, is pretty rude. Could be they are just carried away being friends together and the friend doesn't speak English very well and so don't realise they are alienating you.
Maybe rock up and say "No puedo hablar español".

 

Depression is really hard to handle. I had experienced and it was the worst.

 

I didn't know where to place this post but this seems appropriate.

I've had a good day today. Then last BJJ class, last two rolls, get absolutely demolished by two other purple belts in front of the instructor.

Pretty humiliated to be honest. Started crying because it feels REALLY bad. Can't go to the bathroom though because my gf is waiting outside. Feelings get worse when I end up crying in front of her. Now I feel generally upset and pathetic and I don't know how to vent correctly.

Please help.

 

I may not be of much help. Just maybe... try to distance yourself from it? It is something that happened and that's it. It is in the past now, no need to feel too down about it anymore. When I screw up with something, I like to think that I simply did all I could do at that moment and I just couldn't do anything more about it. And I only need to practise and work hard from now.

If everything came easy, we wouldn't be as happy about when we finally succeed. And you have plenty of success under your belt when it comes to martial arts. There is no reason one bad day should destroy your confidence.
I do know this is what's important to you, but... I guess there is no other way than to find the strength to get over it. I am sure you'll be able to do that. Sleep on it

 

that sounds like a bad end to the day.

You have a heavy training schedule, could it be that you are mentally or physically drained by it weighing towards the bad rolls? With all the additionally fitness work fatigue can manifest in different ways.
If that seems to match up, then could an easy week be on the cards? (Either less volume of training or less intensity).

I'm glad to see that you put your thoughts on here about it.

 

Perhaps but I think it''s more likely that I haven't attended BJJ enough if anything. I basically had a whole summer off.