two irish guys are standing in a pub/bar the first guy says to the second guy " let me buy you a drink" so he buys them a drink each, and first guy says" so where you from?" the second guy says " dublin," to which the other says " really? im from dublin," they get another round in, and the first guy says"when were you born?" the second guy says "1956," the first guy says "wow, so was i," yet again they get another round in the first guy says " what school did you go to then?" the second guy says " St. Michaels," the first guy says " jeez, so did i," to which another man walks in and says to the barman " whats going on here?" the barman replies " the O'Malley twins are drunk again," i found this quite amusing anyone got some amusing or funny jokes?
a man walks into a bar and orders a beer. He sips it and sets it down. a monkey swings across the bar and p's in it. The man asks the barman who owns the monkey. The barman replies "the piano player". the man walks over to the piano player and says "do you know your monkey p'd in my beer?" the pianist replies " no but if you hum it i'll play it,"
Three men are standing in line to get into heaven one day. It had been a busy day so St. Peter had to tell the first one "heaven is pretty close to full, so we can only let in people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So whats your story?" The first man replies " well, for a while i suspected my wife of cheating, so i cam home early to try to catch her red handed, as i came into our 25th floor apartment, i knew something was wrong, but i couldnt find anything, finally i went out to the balcony and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors up. By now i was mad, so i started beating on him but he wouldnt fall off, so i went back inside and got a hammer and started hammering on his fingers, so he let go and fell, even after 25 stories, he landed in bushes, so i ran into the kitchen and grabbed the fridge and threw it over the ledge to where he landed, it killed him instantly, but all the stress and anger got to me and i had a heart attack and died on the balcony." "that sounds pretty bad" said Peter and he let him in the second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full and asks for his story. The secind man says " its been a strange day, for you see i live on the 26th floor of an apartment block, every morning i exercise out on the balcony, i must have slipped because i fell over the edge, but i got lucky and grabbed the railing of the balcony below me. Then a man came out and i thought ' i must be saved' but he started beating and kicking me, then he ran in and got a hammer and started pounding on my hands. I let go and luckily i landed in some bushes, stunned but ok. Just at that, a fridge falls from the sky and crushes me instantly, now im here," Peter yet again says " that sounds bad," and lets him in. The third man comes up to Peter, and Peter explains the situation with Heaven being nearly full and asks for his story. "Picture this," says the third man " im hiding inside a fridge..."
A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He looks at the clock and its 3.30am. "im not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks and rolls over. Then a louder knock follows "arent you going to answer that?" says his wife. So he drags himself downstairs and opens the door to find a drunk man standing there. "Hi there." slurs the stranger " Can you give me a push?" "No, get lost, its half past 3 in the morning," says the man and he slams the door He goes back to bed and tells his wife what happened. "Dave, that wasnt very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick up the kids from the babysitter and you had to knock on that mans house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?" "But he was drunk," says the husband "It doesnt matter," says his wife, " He needs our help and its not very Christian like," So the husband goes back downstairs and opens the door and cant see the man, He shouts : "Hey, do you still want a push??" and he hears a voice cry out " Yeah please," So, he still cant see him and he shouts "Where are you?" The drunk replies " im over here, on your porch swing,"
" So did you get your wife something for Valentines Day?" asked Paddy " Sure," said Danny " She wanted something with diamonds, so i got her a pack of cards,"
a blonde dials 911 to report that her car has been broken into. She is in hysterics to the operator on the other end and explains" they've taken the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator," the operator sayd "stay calm, an officer will be there in two minutes," a couple of minutes go by and the operator receives another call from the blonde, the blonde says "never mind," and giggles " i got in the back seat instead,"
this blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to prove her husband wrong. while her husband is at work, she decides she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house. the next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets to the task at hand. her husband arrives home at 5.30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. he walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. he notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time. he goes and asks her if shes ok. she replies yes. he asks what she was doing. she replies that she wanted to prove that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house. he then asks her why she has a ski jacket and a fur coat on. she replies that she was reading directions on the paint can that said FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS.
One morning a blonde named sally was trying to put together a puzzle and she was getting frustrated so she asked her husband for help she said "dan, its supposed to be a tiger," dan says "sally, put the frosted flakes back in the box,"
a blonde , a brunette and a red head are deserted on anisland when they find a magic lamp. they rub it and out pops a genie. the genie says" as there are three of you i can only give you one wish each," the redhead says" i really miss my boyfriend and my family, so i wish to be back home with them," "POOF! shes away the brunette says " i miss my family and friends, so i wish i was back home with them," POOF! shes away the blonde says " i really miss my friends...i wish they were back here,"
