Discussion in 'Mental Health and Addiction' started by Latikos, May 30, 2016.
That was a positive decision you made, well done mate.
Thanks very much.
But to be honest I'm still not all to happy with it.
It's just realizing, that it makes me feel better and that I actually work a little like this, that lets me stay with it.
Right now I'm at a point where I'm pretty much like "screw this" and am very tempted to not take them anymore, because in the end it won't do any good.
But I think its probably only half true (at best?) and more depression, that's talking.
So, I keep forcing myself to take them.
The brainy-part of me, keeps reminding me, that it will get better again.
The less brainy-part is in full attention, so can I act for others around me, while thinking "Ugh" all the time.
But who's to complain? There are people way worse off than me.
Note to self: I need to learn or remember again, when to use "then" and "than".
Another thing that drive me even more crazy than usual
And this is the important bit!
So, I necro this thread.
Just to vent, to be honest.
This time it kind of came creeping up to me.
As most probably know, I got myself a dog (great decision still; love him to bits, not counting the times I want to kill him ) and took some time off training (four to six weeks before the summer holidays I only went twice or three times a week and not five; during the holidays I hardly went at all but could have trained two times a week, I guess, maybe even three).
All for the dog, because I (still) see no need in getting a puppy and basically ignore it in the most important stages.
I still stand up to this decision and still it was the right thing to do!
Would do it again right away.
The problem: I have issues to keep continuing things, once I am out of the usually rut.
It was like this since school: I skipped so many classes, I should have been kicked out of the school.
Two reasons for that: After the holidays I didn't get the act back together.
The other was mobbing and me being fed up with it; not even hurt but so annoyed that I couldn't be bothered to go and listen to the crap.
The first sort of came back: After the break of MA I was having a hard time getting back into it.
I was missing the training, but the 70-90 minute drive to classes made it a challenge.
At some point I made it back more or less regularly (sometimes I can bring the dog and leave him in the locker room; not ideal, but better then being alone too long. Other times my Mom would take care of him or, on shorter days, he stays alone. He can be alone, I just don't like it for *too* many hours).
I had fun and enjoyed it, so in generally I wasn't fed up of MAs, but getting my behind there was more the problem.
Now, after gaining around 17kg I decided, together with my Doc, to cut the medications.
Which sucks, but with that much more weight I'm not happy either. I actually hate it.
I already agreed though, to take them again, once the weight is down again; working on a more rigorous diet or something.
So now, I'm without medication, and basically have all the withdrawal-typical stuff - despite it really can't be withdrawal, since we lowered the dose, before I cut them entirely.
I'm short tempered, feel constantly aggressive (but chew it down; I can hardly beat the kids up during training or shoot down people, for existing ), the depression is back, my motivation for nearly anyhing is down the drain, ... basically everything sucks and I just wait for it to blow over and function the best I can anyway.
In addition my Sensei essentially hates me by now. I can party understand why (since he pretty much left the club I didn't went there again to train. But being in the managing committee it obviously is bad. That part I understand), and partly it's being a bit unfair (since part of the reason is the depression and such. He also complains about me being all the time in the other club, which I am not (see above). I did the kids and the other things I only did for two weeks - aside from that it was the kids training and JJ - the latter not even all the time).
And my JJ-coach of this second club now wants to join me, training the kids.
I should be glad, but I'm torn: I got the group a little over a year ago - because no one would care, or had interest/ time in teaching them.
Now, suddenly when the kids are making progress and aren't a catastrophe anymore, he wants to join. And wants to do so for quite a while...
I mean - what?
How long can that be a wish of him, when he couldn't be bothered a year ago?
Don't get me wrong: I like this teacher.
We are even friends (I think, anyway. Next week I will probably go to him so we can play on his PS, testing PS VR ), so it's not that I don't like him and have a problem due to that.
But I busted my chops this last year, finally making progress and having them listen and working with me - and now he wants to add to this group.
Okay, he says it can stay my group - but let's be honest: I'm a green belt, he's a 4th Dan...
Good thing: Despite him saying, that parents asked him to take over, I have a little circle of parents that want me to stay and like him as an addition (my personal idea, that I would like, is that Dennis comes once every two weeks and does a session; this way the kids would have two highlights/ month) - and these are basically the only parents, that could have talked to him, because they are always there, whereas most of the other parents don't come inside.
And they neither asked him to take over nor have they heard anyone asking.
I'm fed up with my life basically at the moment and have to force me to things I usually enjoy.
This is the first time, I can't wait for the holidays and training free time (I would love to keep training with certain people privately!).
Yesterday was the last kids training and tomorrow is a Christmas event, where we go playing ninepins(?) with them.
I would stay at home, if I could.
Admittedly it all got worse, when I learned that my Sensei more or less hates me.
He is very important, because he made me what I am.
And yes, I know it sounds cliche
Good thing here: One of his friend whom I also befriend says, it will probably go away again.
One of my coaches thinks I just got lazy, after getting the dog.
I can't be bothered to tell him the truth, because I don't want many people to know.
I am considering to tell the "boss" though, just so he knows it's not die to being disinterested.
Sorry, felt like venting, as everything is crumbling to pieces around me.
Really sorry to hear that, it sounds awful. Hope you feel better as soon as possible!
I believe that if I am getting simething for nothing there has to be a catch and that catch is sure to come and bite me.
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