The Calderdale Inquirer

Discussion in 'Off Topic Area' started by jkzorya, Feb 18, 2007.

  1. jkzorya

    jkzorya Moved on by request

    TODMORDEN FROG STRIKES TERROR
    Locals have been advised to stay indoors after another sighting of the fabled Todmorden Frog. Billy and Susan Reynolds were fishing on the banks of the River Tod when it happened.

    “It just came out of the reeds like some kind of horrible inhuman beast.” she recalls, “It had sort of brownish green skin.”
    “It was uncanny,” added her husband, “it had two eyes and a mouth, just like us, but no hair and no easily discernable ears.”

    “I won’t be going fishing again for a while.” said Susan
    -----------------------------------
    NEED A LIFT?
    Hitch-hikers picked up
    at reasonable rates.
    Call Joe’s Taxis 803771
    ---------------------------------
    Dog hair blankets, balaclavas
    and accessories made to order
    Box 9
    ---------------------------------
    ELVISES ALIVE AND WELL
    Elvises are no longer extinct thanks to an amazing discovery in Papua New Guinea. A single colony of this unique beach-dwelling creature has been witnessed by Inquirer reporters holidaying there. The tiny hermaphrodites give birth to live young by unzipping their jackets and releasing hundreds of tiny perfect miniaturised replicas of themselves.

    Elvises died out in the 1970’s due to overly zealous trophy hunting, but fans of this endearing little creature can be happy once more. We contacted the World Wildlife Fund to ask if there were any plans to captive breed Elvises, but we have had no reply as yet. Watch this space.
    -----------------------------
    Sword for hire. Anyone wishing to
    hire a sword should contact me.
    It’s great for edging lawns and
    chopping down weeds.
    Box 17
     
    Last edited: Feb 19, 2007
  2. jkzorya

    jkzorya Moved on by request

    Interview with Bandana Mandala

    YOGALING FOR BEGINNERS
    An Interview with Bandana Mandala

    A new class has been set up especially for beginners to learn this ancient modern system of calisthenic stretches (designed to emulate natural shapes that occur In Nature) accompanied by animal-like bellowing noises.

    What can I expect from a class?
    That’s just the thing, you can expect nothing of Yogaling TM. Come along and be surprised.

    How much does it cost?
    The beauty of Yogaling TM is that it’s absolutely free and anyone can do it. All we ask is for a small contribution towards our costs of room hire, foreign holidays etc.
    No concessions.

    Can anyone do Yogaling?
    No, we would sue them if they even tried.

    Will I need special clothing?
    Ladies should wear as little as possible. Men should buy our special anti- magnetic 100% untreated cotton headbands. There really is no catch.

    What benefits can I expect from Yogaling?
    Firstly I should point out that it’s Yogaling TM. Studies in America have shown that after just one month of attending Yogaling classes, energy levels improve and blood pressure drops to zero.

    Are there any risks?
    Modern life is full of risks. Just crossing the road, you could get eaten by a dog. No one denies that in the hurly-burly of the Modern Life Style, people use Microwave Ovens and everyone is out of step. That’s the beauty of Yogaling. That and that anyone can do it.

    How did you first discover Yogaling?
    I was travelling India in a minibus and I just woke up one morning and thought “that’s it. I’ve had enough.” I just knew there had to be another way. Call it a Revelation if you like.

    Bandana Mandala, thank you.
    --------------------------------------
    Babies named at reasonable rates.
    Wonder no more, let me name your child,
    I’ll pick something good. Can also do
    puppies, hamsters and budgerigars.
    Box 9
     
    Last edited: Feb 20, 2007
  3. jkzorya

    jkzorya Moved on by request

    Falling Mobile Muggers Figures Rise

    FALLING MOBILE MUGGERS FIGURES RISE
    Three more incidents of tree-top mobile muggings in Cornholme were reported last month. Mobile phone thieves are dropping on people’s heads from the trees in order to steal their phones. This current crimewave has baffled experts. Professor Lethbridge from Heptonstall College of Criminal Studies stated “People have been dropping out of trees on each other since time immemorial. Mobile phones on the other hand are a relatively new invention.”

    We asked Detective Sergeant Constable at Todmorden Police station to comment. “I don’t know why your asking me, I’ve already got a mobile phone.” he said, “ It plays Z-Cars!”

    ---------------------------------------
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  4. sparrow

    sparrow Chirp!

    There is no spoon.............
     
  5. jkzorya

    jkzorya Moved on by request

    ad

    Cups of Tea for sale.
    Please state one lump or two.
    Box 17
     
  6. RobP

    RobP Valued Member

    For sale: bonsai tree - large.
    Ring Calderdale 5000
     
  7. jkzorya

    jkzorya Moved on by request

    It’s In The Bag

    IT’S IN THE BAG
    Local suitcase Gladstone Bag has reached the next stage of his expedition to the South Pole. If everything goes according to plan, the plucky adventurer is set to reach the Pole some time by mid-September. The case continues.
    ---------------------------------------
    Wanted:
    Elvises memorabilia.
    Top prices paid.
    Reply to Box 11
    ---------------------------------
     
  8. RobP

    RobP Valued Member

    WANTED
    30 Chinese people and zeppelin for elaborate practical joke. Apply Box 2303
     
  9. jkzorya

    jkzorya Moved on by request

    Web-footed Women Walkers Stay One Step Ahead Of Evolution

    WEB-FOOTED WOMEN WALKERS STAY ONE STEP AHEAD OF EVOLUTION
    Recent studies have shown that women in Calderdale are developing webbed feet to help them to wade through the boggy marshland around their homes. “Staying home just isn’t an option”, one woman revealed yesterday “when you’ve got dogs to walk and kids to pick up from school and suchlike.”

    A similar study of women’s feet shocked Lake District residents last year when it was revealed that Lakeland women’s feet were getting bigger - a condition which has since been called “Lakeland Bigfoot Syndrome.”

    A spokesman for the Northern Museum of the Evolution of Man said yesterday that he was unfit to comment. “We only study evolutionary changes in men”, he said.

    But Calderdale sandal manufacturers are worried. A spokeswoman for ‘Sandals ‘N’ Snorkels’ retail outlet commented “Obviously we are taking this latest report very seriously. While unlikely to affect our sales in regular sandals, sales of flip-flops or toe-post sandals could be devastated. It’s not yet clear how this development could affect sales in flippers, but I suspect it’s not good news.”

    Top TV naturalist Nick Baker was less pessimistic “This is just another example of natural selection at work,” he said.

    -----------------------------------------------------------------
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  10. jkzorya

    jkzorya Moved on by request

    It’s Hardly Rocket Science...or Is It?

    IT’S HARDLY ROCKET SCIENCE...OR IS IT?
    It may be common knowledge that the Pennine Mountains were built in 1859 by an alien visitor called St’ooo dlee using only chicken wire and plaster-of-paris covered bandage, the idea was later borrowed by Jon Noakes for his classic 1960’s Blue Peter make: the Scalextric “Alpine Rally” set, but less is known about the mysterious space rocket he left abandoned on top of Mount Stoodley.

    All that is set to change thanks to amateur rocket scientist Clifford Milkthistle of Slack. Mr. Milkthistle bought the rocket from Calderdale Council last year when an insurance policy matured. “I intend to fly that ship if it kills me,” he said “and if that doesn’t work I’ll probably have it converted into a lighthouse.” Either way, Mr. Milkthistle, we’ll be watching the skies.
     

    Attached Files:

  11. jkzorya

    jkzorya Moved on by request

    Ads

    SPENCER'S TROUSERS
    We're Number One for zips!
    Just off the A646
    ------------------
    Visit-
    ADDINGHAM FISH AND CHIP MUSEUM
    Open 6 days a week.
    ------------------
    WANTED:
    1 WARDROBE
    Must be a
    portal to a
    magical realm
    Box 9
     
    Last edited: Feb 23, 2007
  12. jkzorya

    jkzorya Moved on by request

    Take Aways

    Stan's Chip Emporium.
    Addingham
     
  13. jkzorya

    jkzorya Moved on by request

    Local Writer Strikes It Big In Argentina

    LOCAL WRITER STRIKES IT BIG IN ARGENTINA
    Calderdale’s own blockbuster fantasy writer JRR Dowling looks set to do it again with her latest ‘childrens’ novel “Huevos Doble and the Magic Sheep”. Advance sales of the book, available in Argentina from March 1st, have already quadrupled her previous record of 12 copies. In an exclusive interview with the ever popular priestess of the pen, we asked Dowling where she gets her ideas.

    “It’s all based on life around here” she explained “The evil villainess Edith Bogwitch is based on my real-life neighbour Edith Bogwitch: she’s horrible.
    “And Huevos’ best friend JRR Dowling is based on myself,” she added, “Everything that happens is just everyday life turned on its head,” she said. “The magic sheep in the book are actually based on real life sheep, but with magic powers.”

    ----------------------------------------
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  14. jkzorya

    jkzorya Moved on by request

    Sunday Spotlight - Special Feature

    Sunday Spotlight - Special Feature

    Spotlight On:
    CALDERDALE DISTRICT ALTERNATIVE HOSPITAL
    "Providing an Alternative to Health Care"


    Calderdale District Alternative Hospital was set up in 1989 by generous local philanthropist Charles ‘Charlie’ Bobbin. Mr. Bobbin comes from a long line of mill-owners and decided to do something to provide an alternative healthcare service following a disastrous stay at the Halifax Infirmary while being treated for an ingrowing toenail.

    Mr. Bobbin had had many years of experience travelling through India and The Orient TM, where he had visited some of the finest Charlatans in the Eastern World. He felt that better care was urgently needed in Calderdale.

    “During my stay in a conventional hospital, not once was I chanted over, poked with needles or made to drink powerful emetic poisons. The total lack of unnecessary or invasive procedures was shameful,” he said,
    “something had to be done. All the nurses and Doctors seemed interested in was my physical wellbeing.”

    “All of our therapies combine Ancient Wisdom with folklore and superstition,” he added. “I have every faith in Sister Pledge and her team and I trust that your stay will prove enlightening as well as beneficial to your health.”

    -----------------------------------

    Spotlight on Kazoodoo:
    Interview with treatment creator, Bandana Mandala.

    Mr. Mandala, first may I say that you look strangely familiar. Have you ever been here before?
    We have ALL been here before.

    Could you just explain to our readers what Kazoodoo is all about?
    Certainly. Kazoodoo is a revolutionary practice based on Ancient Wisdom. Kazoodoo therapists work to explore your resonant outer-field, the spiritual sheath that separates your meaty body from the Universal oneness. Kazoodoo balances out any areas of auric oscillation or psychic disturbance.

    What does treatment consist of?
    Kazoos are blown all over the patient’s body and any changes in her skin are carefully observed.

    So are any parts of the body exposed?
    Naked. Completely naked. The flesh has to be seen in its entirety. Any kind of covering would lead to an inaccurate reading.

    And the ‘readings’ as you call them are performed by fully qualified Kazoodoo therapists?
    I personally assess every patient, once they have been prepared.

    What kind of things would you be looking for?
    Sweat.

    And from that you could tell...?
    Everything. Sweat is the window to the soul.

    Not eyes?
    No, sweat. Sweat is the outermost veil of our meaty bodies.

    So could you do a reading if someone was sweating naturally, say on a hot day? I’m sweating a little now...
    Without the special Kazoodoo preparation, how could your resonant field be harmonised? Kazoos first, then sweating, then reading. This is just the truth of life, everything follows this natural order. Clients are also first required to go on a 10-day Kazoodle fast to detoxify their systems.

    A what?
    They eat nothing but New Mandala’s Kazoodles: Tasty noodles made from the finest Basmati Rice, resonantly charged with that special Kazoodoo essence, now available in 3 great flavours: Spicy Curry; Chicken and Mushroom and Doner Kebab.

    Yogaling!
    I beg your pardon?

    I know where I know you from. We did the Yogaling interview for the Inquirer!
    What is Yogaling?

    The thing where you use natural postures with animal noises...
    Animal-like bellowing noises. That wasn’t me.

    It wasn’t you?
    No.

    No?
    We have never met.

    Never...met.
    Thank you.

    Thank you.
    You’re welcome.
     

    Attached Files:

    Last edited: Feb 25, 2007
  15. jkzorya

    jkzorya Moved on by request

    Vacupuncture TM

    Why waste time on painful and invasive needles and smelly moxibustion? VacupunctureTM combines Ancient Oriental WisdomTM with state of the art Scientific TechnologyTM. Vacupuncture's truly revolutionary, specially designed, non-invasive holistic Vacuumatic therapy uses nothing but natural Organic suction to draw out all of those deadly toxins and stale negative energies caused by Everyday Life from your Life System, producing a Super Clean New You.

    Our VacuumaticTM Vacuumiser machines have been developed specially for us by Hoover, at the cost of many thousands of pounds and many thousands of hours of development - drawing on thousands of years old Wisdom. However, a course of 6 treatments with one of our highly trained VacupunctureTM Life Journey Technicians can now be yours for as little as £3,000. Ask your local stockist for details.
     

    Attached Files:

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