Problem neighbours

Discussion in 'Self Defence' started by Smitfire, Sep 14, 2022.

  1. Smitfire

    Smitfire Cactus Schlong

    Anyone got advice on what to do with some problem neighbours?
    They aren't aggressive towards us but they have extremely aggressive and abusive arguments with each other to the point where we are worried about the safety of people living there. It seems like a crime waiting to happen.
    It's an older couple and their adult son and it appears to be between the mother and the son.
    Effing and jeffing loud enough to be heard 50yds away in our house across the street. Goodness knows what it's like for their actual neighbours next door.
    It's got so bad that we have contacted the police previously, and they made a house visit at the time, but still it goes on.
    We wouldn't be surprised if one or other of the residents ends up seriously hurt or worse.
    We're unsure what the background for these arguments is or who is the main instigator or party but they are horrible to hear.
    It's obviously easy to turn a blind eye, which we do for the most part, but thought I'd get some context from others.
     
  2. axelb

    axelb Master of Office Chair Fu

    I'd be interested on people's opinions here, we had similar in the past, it was a family but it mother left with a new husband, the 2 sons in their 20s stayed, and there was always the same when they were both in the house, one was also heavy marijuana use regularly.
    They eventually left as the mother sold the house.
    A year later I saw the eldest son in the news, attempted murder several times elsewhere and also assaulted a women in the street nearby, dragged her out of her car into the street in the middle of the day.

    It was getting to the point that we were trying to find out who to contact about it, but they left before we followed through with it.
    My other neighbours had contacted the police but nothing came of it as no crime had been committed that they could build a case for at the time of living next to us.

    I spoke to them regularly when they lived next to us, I could tell something wasn't right with them, but I would say that these days I am experienced at talking to people in stressful/emotional state and keeping them level.


    I do wonder if the police were aware if something could have been done. Or if it should be handled by different authorities.

    On the whole I found it hard to determine how it should be dealt with to prevent something occurring, it seems that most official processes are about dealing with when something happens, rather than preventing it.
     
  3. cloudz

    cloudz Valued Member

    It's incredible that you can hear it from across the road.
    The only experience I have of any neighbourly anti social behaviour is at our last house.
    Grandson living with his Grandmother, he was in the latter stages of school.
    Generally it was ok, he and his friends would gather in his shed.

    Then one night he must have gotten very drunk and ended up throwing a tv out of his window!

    I'm not at all sure how I could advise you, it's annoying and it's natural to want to help in some way. No one wants to see an escalation to violence or anything like that. A friend of mine had next door neighbours that would go at it very loudly but over the years it calmed down.

    Maybe this will blow over too and or reach some kind of head. Perhaps the son is engaging in something his mother doesn't approve, who really knows.
    I think there's nothing you can really do other than watch out for anything untoward that is worth reporting.
     
  4. Van Zandt

    Van Zandt Mr. High Kick

    Aside from calling 101 and requesting the police do another welfare check, the only course of action you're left with - aside from speaking to the neighbours directly - is to raise the issue as a noise complaint with the local council.
     
    David Harrison likes this.
  5. Dan Bian

    Dan Bian Neither Dan, nor Brian

    I lived next door to something similar about 10 years ago.
    A young family - mum, dad, two sons under 10 - and daily there would be screaming matches, smashing of objects, yelling at the kids (from both parents), the kids effing and jeffing back etc etc. My ex got on ok with the mother, and one day she told my ex that she was worried that her partner was going to kick off that coming evening, and if so, could we call the police because he had been getting more and more aggressive.
    Sure enough, he gets home, and within 20 mins there's screaming, smashing, banging etc.
    My partner calls the police as requested, and when they turn up, both mother and father act as if absolutely nothing is wrong. Because of the kids in the house, and the clear state of the room after the smashing and banging, the police do a welfare check on with social services for the kids.
    The next day, we get both of them banging on our door, calling us all sorts of names, threatening all sorts for "grassing them up" - we point out that the mother had requested we call the police, "my girl aint no grass!" etc etc.
    We were pretty much ostracised from the street until we moved out, as they told all the neighbours we'd called social services because they'd been abusing the kids etc. We had windows smashed, tyres slashed, graffiti on the front door, abuse in the street. I got into a scrap with the fathers younger brother (mid 20s) in the street because he started trying to start something with me when I was walking my (then) 4 year old home from school.

    We finally moved after the youngest son (6 at the time) stabbed his dad in the throat with a kitchen knife he'd stashed away.

    My thoughts - don't get involved unless there is a direct, immediate threat to you/your family.
     
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  6. Dead_pool

    Dead_pool Spes mea in nihil Deus MAP 2017 Moi Award

    One small option is get a video doorbell camera, that way if anything does happen, at least you'll have some evidence.
     
    axelb likes this.
  7. Smitfire

    Smitfire Cactus Schlong

    Sage advice I feel. I will follow it.
    I've already had a run-in with my direct neighbour (who I have had a words with before and now we do NOT get on) because he saw me standing listening (in my own house at an open window!) and said I shouldn't "poke my nose in other's business".
    I was listening to the argument unfold (which the whole street could hear) just in case an ambulance was needed or police needed some context of what was happening when someone gets hurt.
    My wife is a teacher and does regular safeguarding training and in that it's stressed that it us up to anyone who notices something off to report abuse and I think that's driving our impetus to help somehow.
    I *think the son is now of adult age but for sure this has been going on since he was a kid (he may still technically be one) and I think we feel guilty about not doing something earlier tbh.
     
    Dan Bian likes this.
  8. David Harrison

    David Harrison MAPper without portfolio

    It's sad but there is no outcome that is likely to end happily.

    Without evidence of a crime the police are powerless. What if the kid was put in a care home or foster home when they were younger? There's no guarantee their life would be better, and a real risk their life would be worse.

    A lot of people have miserable lives in our society, and as much as we want to help people we're mostly powerless to do so.
     
  9. Dan Bian

    Dan Bian Neither Dan, nor Brian

    I get that, and there have been several high profile cases of abuse where the media line is "someone must have known, if only they'd spoken up".
    Well, I/we spoke up, and it put my family in danger. So where do my/your/our priorities lie? Policing the neigbourhood or protecting my/you/our own families?

    I can't speak for anyone else, but following my experiences, it would take something of an extreme circumstance for me to involve myself now.
     
  10. Dead_pool

    Dead_pool Spes mea in nihil Deus MAP 2017 Moi Award

    It's very easy to anonymously report things to safe guarding/social workers / or the police.

    I've known a few kids who have gone through the care system, it's not perfect by any means, but it is one route to escape abusive parents.

    There's been multiple cases recently of small children being killed by their parents/care givers.

    You should always let safeguarding/social workers know if you suspect a child is being abused.

    It's pretty bad that even needs to be said.
     
  11. David Harrison

    David Harrison MAPper without portfolio

    The only person who mentioned abuse in a home with a child in it was Dan Bian, and he did report it.

    We're talking about loud rows with an adult son in the house.

    I don't believe anyone was suggesting ignoring child abuse.
     
    Dan Bian likes this.
  12. Dan Bian

    Dan Bian Neither Dan, nor Brian

    --

    And as I said, in extreme circumstance I would involve myself again. But given what happened last time, my priority is the safety of my family, so HOW is involve myself may be radically different to how I did previously.
     
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  13. Smitfire

    Smitfire Cactus Schlong

    I think I brought that scenario in to be honest. We've no idea how old the kid/adult is really. He's visually "grown up" but that might be anything from 16 to 26.
    They have had loud rows for some years (although not to the most recent extreme levels) and so, extrapolating back, it was almost certainly going on when the son was a child and no one helped or intervened (if they could?).
    So now he's an adult we're feeling that, maybe, something should have been done earlier and that's making us feel more guilty about not doing something now.
    Their direct neighbours tried to talk to them about it a few years back (it must be horrendous to have that going on in the semi next door) and got a mouthful of abuse and sent packing.
    So I'm not sure we're any better placed to do anything but still that nagging voice in the back of my head is going "What if? What if?"
    I wouldn't be surprised if it ends up on the local news to be quite honest.
     
  14. Dan Bian

    Dan Bian Neither Dan, nor Brian

    You could possibly look at making a "noise complaint" to the council - but if your local authority is anything like mine, they'll ask you to keep a detailed log of any/all disturbances; date and time, what happened, who was involved etc etc so it could potentially be months before any action is taken.
    A non-emergency 101 call would likely yield no results, and an emergency 999 call would likely enflame the situation. The only other way I can think of would be to visit your local police station and file a report, but ask to be kept annonamous due to concerns for your/your families safety.
     
  15. Smitfire

    Smitfire Cactus Schlong

    Yeah the argument before the last one we called 101 and, credit to them, the police came, talked to them and stayed for some time. No idea what was said obviously.
    We thought that might make them take stock of how bad their situation has become and how the whole close can hear them and how nasty it sounds.
    But then, a couple of weeks later (the one that prompted this post), the argument was the nastiest yet so it seems to have had no effect.
     
  16. David Harrison

    David Harrison MAPper without portfolio

    Obviously very unpleasant to live next to, but having loud rows all the time isn't against the law without an injunction or ASBO or whatever that it violates.

    Is there anything in particular that concerns you other than the nastiness of the arguments?
     
  17. David Harrison

    David Harrison MAPper without portfolio

    The most common reason I hear for people not making noise complaints is to protect the value of their house because you have to disclose them if you sell.
     
    Dan Bian likes this.
  18. Smitfire

    Smitfire Cactus Schlong

    Absolutely. Everyone has the right to lose it and get angry from time to time. We ain't saints ourselves and, with a teenage daughter testing boundaries, know all to well the trials and tribulations of family life.
    The time we did the 101 call it was because of the son repeatedly shouting "Get the (expletive) away from me before I (expletive) kill you!!".
    It's harder to make out what the Mum is screaming at him as the female voice doesn't carry across the street in the same way.
     
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  19. Mitch

    Mitch Lord Mitch of MAP Admin

    I've just been doing the same safeguarding training, with lots of emphasis on early intervention and the responsibility of everyone not just Designated Safeguarding Leads.

    But that's a different, professional setting, and not one where your family are in the direct firing line.

    Keep a log and report when it gets really bad are your only options, unfortunately, I think. Authorities are then aware, at least, and they are the ones who need to take action, not you.

    Other than that, it's the old problem that you're never going to be thanked for getting involved in a domestic situation, even if you saved a partner from violence at the hand of their partner.

    Sucks Smitty, and a horrible situation, sympathies dude. You should move to Nottingham; new neighbourhood and there's great TKD here :D
     

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