Most Hardcore Type of Metal

131 Rules of a Kerrang Kid

1. Your hair is dyed a colour that doesn't appear naturally in humans, and you think tattoos and piercings are "sexy."
2. "Rip," "Suck," and "Rule" are the best descriptions you can come up with for music.
3. You think ICP is funny.
4. You think Korn is a metal band.
5. When you write or type words, you do it LiKe ThIs because you think it looks ReAlLy kEwL.
6. You think "Eighties Metal" refers to Motley Crue, Bon Jovi, and Poison.
7. You call yourself a metal fan, but when someone mentions Tom G.Warrior you just get a confused look on your face.
8. You're white, yet you wear really baggy clothes and try to come off as being hardcore.
10. You call people "fags" and "pieces of mutha****in' ****."
11. You assume that if someone doesn't like Slipknot, they must listen to "pussy stuff like N'sync".
12. You claim to like heavy metal, yet can't name any German thrash bands.
13. You call things "the ****."
14. You own a Dr. Suess hat.
15. You think "goth" means Marilyn Manson.
16. You associate "industrial" with Prodigy instead of Skinny Puppy and Foetus.
17. You have a tribal tattoo.
18. You'd just die if Jonathan Davis touched you!
19. You think black metal bands are trying to copy KISS with their image.
20. You say things like, "Korn rulz and always will! If u dun like them you sux!"
21. You're under 20 years old and claim to like "extreme music."
22. You think the cops probably want to steal your pot.
23. Your music collection consists of less than 100 items. Most or all of these names appear in your collection: Korn, Taproot, Limp Bizkit, Fear Factory, Machine Head, Coal Chamber, System Of A Down, Downset, Soulfly, Pantera, Mudvayne, and Static-X.
24. You say some rap is good.
25. You love Incubus and don't know that there was once a Florida thrash metal band by the same name.
27. You're a 17 year old female and wear crop tops under your open ski jacket in January to show off your navel piercing. Flabby abdominal muscles do not seem to deter you, either.
28. You know who Wayne Static is and think his hair is kEwL.
29. You think Korn "revitalized heavy metal", even though the band themselves want to be disassociated with the genre.
30. You don't realize that Rob Flynn disgraces his past in Vio-lence with every passing moment he spends in Machine Head.
31. You have covered the back of your car in stickers, including at least one anarchy symbol, and one alien.
32. You think death metal is Satanic.
33. You think that by dressing, looking and talking like every other Kerrang simpleton that you're showing your individuality and expressing your uniqueness.
34. You think Fear Factory keeps getting better on every album.
35. You don't realize that Pantera ripped off Exhorder after deciding to cease and desist with glam.
36. You think that Metallica is good for a bunch of old geezers and Reload rocks!!
37. You consider the black album "old Metallica".
38. You think that Roadrunner is an underground label.
39. HMV meets all of your music needs.
40. You think you're on the cutting edge of music after seeing such "obscure" bands as Mushroomhead, Taproot, and Drowning Pool.
41. You learned your ebonics from Hatebreed.
42. You never experienced the torture of "Headbangers' Ball" - sitting through 2 hours and 50 minutes of White Lion, Extreme, Enuff Z Nuff and Poison to see a Kreator video.
43. You think Kid Rock is the first person to combine rap with "heavy" guitars.
44. You actually like Staind. Enough to buy it on CD. Enough to see them live. Enough to wear one of their shirts in public.
45. You say you hate the government yet can't name more than five people who actually work in the government, and one of those people is your aunt Irene that works at the DMV.
46. You don't find this rant amusing in the slightest.
47. You think your backpack goes nicely with your backwards baseball cap.
48. You think that the pictures of Coal Chamber are not at all silly, goofy, ugly, or stupid. In fact, you think at least one of the band members is really hot - even in these clothes. In fact, you dress like this every day and your parents and/or teachers give you a lot of grief about it.
49. You say things like "Korn are heavier than Iron Maiden or Judas Priest EVER were".
50. You're constantly in danger of tripping over your wallet chain.
51. You shave your eyebrows to look like that fag from Orgy.
52. You think Stormwitch, Anvil, Destruction and Blood Feast are new games for N64.
53. You think Slipknot is "The heaviest ****ing band on earth, EVER. Nothing could top that, dude."
54. You think Linkin Park mosh pits are "violent."
55. Your parents hate your look but buy you your ridiculous clothes anyway because your broke ass won't.
56. You think punk rock was started by Sum 41
57. You think a band kicks ass if the guitarist performs a BMX Tabletop while he's playing that constant over-distorted open sludge note on it.
58. You look like Fred Durst.
59. You wear a red baseball cap that's somewhat furry.
60. You look like Eminem and actually think he's kEwL.
61. You know every lyric to all of Eminem's albums.
62. Before the Black Album got huge, you called Metallica "worship-Satan, kill-your-mother, rape-your-sister ****."
63. Hot Topic, Aeropostale and Gadzooks meet all of your clothing needs.
64. You actually think Kid Rock is worth your spending money on.
65. When somebody mentions metal, you think Papa Roach instead of Motorhead.
66. You've heard real metal and you don't like it.
67. You refuse to acknowledge the fact that Slipknot's masks are just gimmicks.
68. You think Limp Bizkit and Crazy Town are "tight."
69. You call death metal boring but you've never actually listened to a death metal band.
70. You get confused in the metal chatroom as to why most people there are "dissing" your favorite band.
71. You've sent hatemail to webmasters of anti-nu metal sites (with bad grammar and obscene language, of course).
72. You dress in a gothic way, listen to stuff such as Marilyn Manson and Korn but have the nerve to call yourself a non-conformist.
73. You fancy yourself as a non-conformist rebel but shrink back in fear everytime your maths teacher tells you to "knock it off!"
74. Every time a new Kerrang band pops up, you are usually one of the first to buy their CDs at HMV.
75. You claim you don't like boy bands or rappers but you hang around with most of their fans.
76. You think the singer from Mudvayne is really hot.
77. When somebody mentions Slayer you think God Hates Us All.
78. You say the first Coal Chamber album doesn't sound like Korn.
79. You get confused when somebody says the singer from Tristania is better than the singer from Kittie.
80. You say Hot Topic isn't a trendy store.
81. Your hair is more colours than a hippie's shirt.
82. Your idea of Death Metal is Fear Factory.
83. Your screenname has more X's than ever thought imaginable in a 16-letter space.
84. You actually smoke pot on April 20th.
85. You think Cannibal Corpse started "death metal."
86. Your closet is full of Jncos and Korn/Slipknot/Mudvayne shirts, all with bleach stains and holes and fringed ends.
87. Your idea of a heavy guitar sound is an Ibanez RG7 tuned to Z flat.
88. You don't know what happened to Danzig after The Misfits.
89. You use your index, pinky AND thumb when making the metal salute.
90. Your idea of underground is Spineshank.
91. The more dented, scratched, stickered up and destroyed your guitar is, the better it is.
92. You think that by rebelling against your parents you're actually accomplishing something.
93. You've hit a "gravity bong."
94. You think of Cold as being emotional.
95. You consider yourself a black metal fan because you recently found out about Phil Anselmo's side project "Viking Crown."
96. You think Cradle Of Filth is black metal.
97. You deny that Slipknot and Korn are mainstream, yet they are constantly aired on MTV.
98. You really think Marilyn Manson maims animals on stage.
99. All of your friends look exactly like you with slight differences like whether the lip piercing is on the left or right.
100. Your idea of a diverse musical taste is Blink 182.
101. You own a skateboard.
102. You think Slipknot's drummer is good because he can play double bass.
103. You worship Slipknot but don't know who Anal Blast are.
104. You think every band Metal Edge Magazine mentions is metal. Not to mention go by what bands label themselves, no matter how false it is.
105. You play a 7-string guitar and seriously think Korn invented them.
106. You don't know that Korn ripped off a Morbid Angel song. The breakdown of Morbid Angel's "Angel Of Disease" sounds exactly like Ball Tongue. (Angel Of Disease-1993, Ball Tongue-1994)
107. You say "y'all."
108. You think Tool is talented because they sound different from other Kerrang bands.
109. Whenever your parents or other adults are around, you cough to hide the obscenities when you have a Korn CD on.
110. You think no one listens to Eighties Metal anymore and if they do, they're at least forty years old.
111. You think Chris Barnes has the "deepest voice."
112. Your parents make you go to church and you think you're evil and blasphemic by wearing a Marilyn Manson shirt when you go with them.
113. The first time you ever heard Morbid Angel was when you saw them with Pantera and Kittie.
114. When someone mentions grind, all you can think of is Anal ****.
115. You think real metallers have never outsmarted a Kerrang nerd and foolishly try to fight them.
116. You think people who don't like Kerrang don't buy it because they can't understand it.
117. You think people who don't like Kerrang can't take "hard music."
118. You think Deicide is the most Satanic band in the world.
119. You think Corey Taylor is "da best ****in' metal singer EVER."
120. You think Slayer are the godfathers of "death metal."
121. When someone mentions Hellhammer, you think of the drummer of Kovenant.
122. Your only use for vinyl records is as a frisbee.
123. You like Primus, but don't know who Possessed were.
124. You would cream yourself if Ozzy autographed your copy of the Reunion CD.
125. You say anything you don't listen to must suck.
126. You think Ozzy is the godfather of all metal.
127. You think Brave New World is the best Maiden album.
128. You think "666" is a Satanic symbol.
129. You obstinately deny the influence of Kerrap in Kerrang even though many of the bands claim Kerrap influence.
130. You've never heard 80s Sepultura.
131. Last, but not least the first time you hear of Meshuggah is when they play Ozzfest this summer.

 

Ever wondered what the hell that crazy Death Metal guy is saying?
Well thanks to some guys who run a comedy show here. People now know whats said in the Cannibal Corpse song "Rancid Amputation."

 

ar i know nothing of metal

 

How do you mean?
And if ever there was a time or place to ask. It'd be here. So you might as well fire away if you have any questions.

 

thats amazing

 

Yeah. That guy does silly songs a fair bit from what I gather. He wrote a silly Doctor Who song as well, and the chorus was basically him going, "Oowooooooooooooooooooooooooooo, oooooooooooooo, oooooooooooo, oooo," etc in the tune of the Doctor Who theme song.

 

well its just that i was always more into hip hop ... not the stuff you see today... today rap is crap.... i have no knowledge of metal......

 

If you're looking for crazy insane stuff where half the time you can't understand the lyrics but it sounds awesome anyway, check out Behemoth, Meshuggah, Emperor, Gehenna, Lord Belial, Bloodbath, Immolation, Jungle Rot, etc. If it's not that heavy, try Dog Fashion Disco, and the standard Pantera and Slayer. Good times.

 

I just got the new Slayer album the other day. Not bad I must say. Anybody else heard it yet?

 

Just got back from Wacken Festival. Behold:

Emperor (!!!!!!!!)
Celtic Frost
Aborted
Atheist
Vreid
Arch Enemy
Children of Bodom
Soulfly
Nevermore


Metal to the bone baby!

 

you lucky *******.

 

Hahaha...I certainly am!

 

Check out God Among Insects, an old school flavoured death metal band
featuring Lord K. Philipson, Emperor Magus Caligula, Tobben Gustafsson
and Tomas Elofsson. Also, The Project Hate MCMXCIX, K's other band
featuring Jörgen Sandström of Grave fame another band you should check
out. Nile too, can't forget them. Bathory is a must, especially Blood
Fire Death. Vomitory, featuring the affore mentioned Tobben Gustafsson
on skins. Amon Amarth, who have a new album coming out next month, Tyr
do aswell, check them out, Black Sabbath is an influence

 

Well yeah. I mean, especially when I think about how the only way Emperor are gonna head down under is if the Northern Hemisphere is plunged into nuclear winter.

 

I disagree. Cradle Of Filth kicks ass, dude. You should really listen to them before you make a judgement like that.
"black metal outfit Cradle Of Filth have amassed half a million record sales so far and even entered the American Billboard video "www.sonybmg.com.au/artist/artistSiteLink.do?artistId=15559 - 52k
SO People do like them....

 

I can't wait for that new album, although I wasn't overly impressed with Fate or Norns. New Suffocation and Melavolent Creation albums will be the best. Brutal!

Also! Has anyone seen the new Adult Swim cartoon "Dethklok Metalocalypse"? It's class.

 

I'm sure Marduk are working on making that a reality.

 

How do you mean? Is something to do with all that Panzer Division malarkey they crapped on with?
I've got their album Heaven Shall Burn... When We Are Gathered, but that was more about anti-Christianity, Satanism, Sultan Murad and Vlad Dracul, so I don't quite know what you mean.

 

What I mean is, it wouldn't be to far a stretch of the imagination if Marduk attempted to destroy the northern hemisphere in some nuclear wintery way.

"May your joy pass horrifying lamentation
What is left of your lives endure eternal dread
Let the hungry be befalled by merciless starvation
Life expelled no compassion soon we are all dead

God spawned me to set the end free
After me nothing is meant to be
God spawned me to kill you all
I am world funeral

From the east to the west with plaugebearing steps I march
My sharp arrows of instant death I shoot in every beating heart
I will not spare you; I will not care how much you cry
I am the face of death; weep you humans now you die

Violent death is storming from all corners of the earth
I burn the ground poison the air, all seas and every well
I crush all kingdoms, I kill all men I, crush anything of worth
I unlock the dusty gates of hell

I points spears of pure black death at each and everyone
At all the unborn I laugh in spite, I killed you before your life began
I am the angel and the dragon bringer of orion's curse
On wings of death without a heart I tore apart the universe"

- Lyrics to World Funeral







Friendly bunch...

 

Meh, who cares? Black Metallers are the biggest bunch of pseudo hardarses in the entire history of music. Think Euronymous, or the story that Sever told about Dark Funeral.