Inspector Clouseau 'Karate'

Discussion in 'Off Topic Area' started by Botta Dritta, Feb 11, 2022.

  1. Botta Dritta

    Botta Dritta Valued Member

    I think that its time we shone some light on one of the world's more obscure martial arts, namely the system developed by Inspector Jacques Clouseau, later Chief Inspector of the Sûreté, Frances elite Investigative arm.

    Little is know about his background, except that he was in French resistance in WWII and then joined law enforcement where he had a pretty unremarkable career until the 1960's when he found professional success through solving a number of high society murders, foiling jewel robberies, fighting organised crime and international terrorism. During this time he staved off multiple attempts on his life from professional contract killers hired by his enemies. For this he was granted the legion of honour and then disappeared in mysterious circumstances in 1982.

    His idiosyncratic style of karate was developed with the help of his manservant Cato, a mysterious individual reputedly from somewhere in the far east who acted as a sparring partner for the inspector to test his revolutionary martial ideas. He almost certainly had early training in karate as part of Henry Ple's Fédération Française de Karaté et de Boxe Libre, and was certainly at least a black by by 1964. He had developed an unusual level of paranoia, thus developing a style of karate around four main tactical doctrines:
    • First rule of self defence:Always anticipate the unexpected/never allow yourself to be taken by surprise.
    • No quarter, No mercy.
    • Pay no attention to opponents words.
    • There is a time and a place for everything.
    His "training program" as he actually called it, included a number of innovations, many which are still sadly lacking in todays so called RBDS self defence systems. These include:
    • Checking Habitation for potential attackers at all times.
    • Silent movement if being stalked by an attacker in your own home
    • Developing light sleeping habits to detect intruders.
    • Secretion of weapon caches around the house.
    • A Pavlovian like 'Code red' signal which immediately ends the fight scenario, usually in the form of a telephone call.
    • Post Fight dialogue/interview to gain an advantage over an opponent to reinforce onfight/off fight awareness.
    The Main thrust of the training was high kinetic low distance ambush when distracted or from an unusual time or location, forcing the practitioner to survive the first critical blitz attack and then develop the distance to use his more traditional techniques. The ambushes could be unusual including:

    Attacked while Prone and sleeping.
    Attacked while distracted (such as packing suitcase)
    Attacked while in showering.
    Attacked while engaged in sex (multiple times)
    Attacked during from domestic fridge

    As regards to the actual techniques of his style of Karate there were fairly classical, but included a few innovations and signature techniques which he preferred when engaging in anti ambush techniques:
    • Shoppingu baggu hoji no Kamae: A defensive stance used when entering your habitation but your non dominant hand is inconvenienced by purchases from your local boulangerie
    • A focus on Knife hand strikes to the collar bone or back the neck, or reverse knife hand strikes to the throat
    • Choke Hold (Frontal or rear) escapes
    • A Flying double side kick
    While his home included a vast array of hand to hand weapons secreted in various locations, he was known to be only really proficient in two: the Shinai and Nunchaku, hinting that he may have had additional training both in Kendo and Okinawan Kobudo.

    My question to Mappers is: Are you really doing self Defence? Be honest with yourselves! Inspector Clouseau survived multiple attempts in his life and he was only this good because of hard work, dedication and a willingness to train for any eventuality and any distance without silly 'sporting' rulesets that cripple our understanding to what it mean to be a true warrior. Sure his ground work may have been limited to biting and ankle locking, there wasn't any BJJ in those days, but we all know inspector Clouseau would have trained in it if he had the chance.

    Quite Frankly I think that unless you are training for an ambush from a Domestic Appliance at least once in your life or during intimate moments with your significant other, you are not doing martial arts: You are JUST LARPING.

    I'm going to do real martial arts from now on! All of you can just wallow in self delusion.

    Now I just have to find myself an Manservant...

    Dead_pool and Dunc like this.
  2. Dead_pool

    Dead_pool Spes mea in nihil Deus MAP 2017 Moi Award

    If Disney Princesses have taught me anything worthwhile, it's that domestic appliances can be deadly:

    Botta Dritta likes this.

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