How to deal with toddlers controlling parents?

I have in my experience teaching, taught young and old alike. This, however, is my first experience of something like this happening. There is a student in my studio(who I teach every other week) and he just turned 6. His parents are extremely controlling and very hard on him. Here is my stand on that. A. Its not really my buisness, as i'm not even a parent, and dont want to tell them how to do their job. B. They are so busy disceplining that they aren't letting me do my job C. The kid seems to be showing signs of resentment at a very young age. When I first began teaching this student, he had a low attention span, horrible balance, horrible co-ordination and was very overweight, and had a general bad attitude. This was around 4 months ago. He has his days, but has turned into a pretty good kid. But then again, HE's ONLY SIX. His dad usually brings him(who's a bit better than the mom), and he seems to do better then. Still, like any six year old, he has his days. As an instructor my job is to discipline him and teach him. The problem lies in that every time he acts up, I'm not given the chance to do that. His parents jump right into it. Today was the worst he's ever been. He wasn't listening, paying attention, and kept trying to spar me after I called break. Finally I was doing a drill with him concerning catching a foam knife(and keep in mind this is meant to be a fun drill), and he started goofing around and whacked me in the face with the stick(playfully, not hard). Again, I have my ways of discipling my students and was about to do that until.... his dad jumped in to yell at him. It got so bad that his dad came up to me apologized for his bad behavior, and informed me that he was taking his kid home in order to teach him a lesson and make a point. As a result of his parents, the student seems to be burnt out on martial arts, and doesnt enjoy it as much as he did. A couple weeks back the mom took him and sat in on the lesson. She was unaware of his progress, and despite what I told her didn't believe me. She also spent my entire 30minute lesson yelling at him almost nonstop. The few times i've taught him with his parents not there he's always done well and learned the most. What his parents dont understand is that he's six, and my studio isn't a military camp. We encourage discipline and give it, but someone of that age should also have fun. It's a shame when you take a boy who improved so much, and had so much potential, and end up ruining it for him. My solution is to talk some more with both parents and tell them that from now on I want to do the lessons with this student privatly without them watching. Then again, I'm not trying to tell them how to raise their kid, nor is it my place to. But I do sense this kid learning some bad habits in the future if theyre not careful. Now note: His parents, as far as I know are not abusive. They are just very , very, hard on him. Too hard. And he is only six....

 

We don't allow parents into the actual training area - there is a big window in the lobby where they are welcome to watch, but coming in during a class is a no no.

If you can't do that...I think yer stuck. Maybe have a nice talk with them but the cynic in me says yer can't win this one...google the term "helicopter parent", if it makes you feel any better it's not just you suffering with this.

How'd the talk with the boss go? Sounds like yer stll there?

 

That is a tough situation. Perhaps you could just politely point out to them that this is a school of martial arts and you are the teacher. While they can always talk to you after lessons about any concerns, they need to let you teach the class uninterrupted. Suggest that they are welcome to sit in on the class if they really want to, but that they must not speak up as it makes the child uncertain about who the "boss" of the class is.

If you must, you could fall back on "it's an ancient Japanese tradition that guests in the dojo must not talk to pupils, it's been that way for hundreds of years".

 

Like Moosey said.

Let them watch but if you are taking the class then you're the one he should be taking instructions from, for the duration of the class. If they can't accept that then I think you'd be better off without this student. Which would be a shame for him, but it doesn't sound healthy for your class for things like this to go on.

Good luck.

 

If a parent starts disciplining during our classes it typically only happens once or twice. Parents are allowed to sit on chairs at the edge of the matt and watch, but not to yell at the kids, thats our job. If I was you I would tell the parents just that. It's your gym, and you run the classes not them. perhaps if you can get them to shut up for a couple classes and let you do your job they will learn how to better deal with their kid.

A couple times we have just looked at the parents and said something to the effect of "we got it, just watch" and it's generally worked.

I wonder how much of that childs problems are being caused by the parents...it sounds like if they eased up a bit he would too. very sad.

 

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I forgot to also add, that as a result the kid began screaming and crying and was carried out. This makes me look bad and is very unprofessional. I've tried comments subtly to the parents but they dont seem to have caught on. Am working on the situation with the boss, but as I've said in my posts. All the boss seems concerned with is the buisness, and as far as im concerned its very poorly run. If and when I open up my school I'm going to have one primary rule. Run it in a complete opposite way Thanks for your comments guys

 

tell the mom that it's your class and your job to discipline them while he's there. you're sure she's doing a fine job when there at home but as she doesn't know the ins and outs of an MA classroom you need to be able to do your job uninterrupted. It is also a distraction to the other students.

Our class is watched by many a parent and they are in the same large room with surrounding chairs as the students. Some parents have this over controlling need, and you just have to work with it. Also show the student you don't want to be like his parents and you want him to have a good time AND learn. You can't let him get away with hitting you. When one of our students does something like that it means they lose the privelege of martial arts. We'll put them in a standing Yichuan posture, you probably have something like this like horse stance or something you could put them in. If they abuse their martial arts its going to get taken away. Granted those parents aren't giving the opportunity to do that.

Secondly you ARE responsible for that kid as his instructor. You're like a third parent. You're a role model and you're setting an example for him and the rest of the class. The only way to give the family the results promised when they joined is to work with the whole family. I would have a parent conference without the child and make it clear that you need to discuss discipline. Ask them what they expect out of their six your old. If you can consult the boys teacher at school. That would be a good indication of what his attitude is like without the fam around.

Then formulate a plan with the parents where you have agreed upon consequences. That way there's no surprises for them. They can see that "oh the instructors taking over, look he's disciplining my child like he said he would." Sometimes they need to know that anyone can punch or kick, but that discipline and respect develop over time.

I think you're doing a good job of reinforcing the benefits of MA, the parents are probably going to need constant praise. IF they dont' agree with you though, ask them why not? It's not really in the matter of results, but perceived results. I've had students I thought were doing horrible and parents shout nothing but praise. Then there's those kids that are doing great and they can't say enough bad about their own kin. Mostly i feel the latter group just wishes they could put a big shelter around their kids and never expose them to the world, which makes sense in a way.


I was teaching adults for a while, and then we decided to launch a youth program. It's pretty big now. It can be a good gold mine, but they're also a blast to work with. I love how genuine they can be, and some of them absorb stuff like a sponge. Often it's harder to work with the guy who is 65 than it is with the kid who's 6 or 5.


Lastly, as for your boss. Sure, we all have different ways of running things, but as a personal business owner he's responsible for his livelihood and that's of major concern. The benefit you have of being detached is you can craft far better ideas to take care of the customer. Do that, and you'll have better retention, and then your boss will see the value of that service and relate it to the monetary means.

Hope that helped,
joe

 

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Good post shadow joe, you have some very respectable points. Firstly as far as my boss goes, however, please view my other posts if you can manage to find them. To sum it up, he is unfit to be an instructor with the mindset and condition he has. Hux already saw the post and knows a bit more what i'm dealing with, then many of you right now. Essentially the only reason im at the studio right now and agreed to my deal with him, was due to the attachment between me and my students. Now going back to that student, when he hit me. That was in-appropriate and whenever something of this nature is done I always take the time to discipline the student in the most efficent way that I know. Usually I take away the funner drills for the day/week, and make him focus or listen to a lecture(among other things). I also do, like you, make them hold stances for longer periods of time. The following has been effective for me though... The way I see it, and this always seems to work with younger kids, is that they like to work towards something. Some sort of incentive. Typically if a student does well, i'll let them know and tell them that if they keep it up, then we'll have a fun next lesson, or let them pick a fun drill, or something to that nature. Unforutnatly the layout of the studio poses a slight problem as far as the parents being observers. We do have private rooms upstairs, but they are pretty small, and not always big enough for some of the drills that we do. Our mat and array of equipment are also kept in the lowest level of the building, with the lobby in the middle level. The lessons are also private, with only me and him. No other students. Bottom line is, if I want to continue teaching him, I agree that I do need to conference with the parent(s), and talk with them about what I think would be most effective.

 

I've seen my instructor handle this by having a direct and un-ambiguous talk with the parents, which basically boiled down to "This is my school and while your son is in here it is my responsibility to handle discipline. if you don't like the way I run things, if you can't control yourself and let me run my class the way I see fit, then you are welcome to find another school for your son."

it worked, they stayed and they stopped butting in.

 

Well, then it's time for a less-than-subtle approach, isn't it?

 

If the parents can't control themselves just let them know their son is more than welcome to stay and train and learn and have a good time . . . . they are not and that is what the parking lot is for.

It really bugs me when parents over step themselves especially when sports are involved. Around here we call them hockey parents

 

It would certaintly seem so . I am actually planning on leaving the studio shortly and for the time being conduct private lessons from another facility.

 

Thats the problem the kid is different around you, what you see as improvement maybe a different story at home. The improvements may show up in class, but the kid's improvements are forgotten at home.

I knew a girl that was very shy in school, but her mom insisted her daughter was talkative. This is sometimes usual with only children families.

I'm not a teacher in any martial arts maybe one day, but not now. Maybe, you can tell them that they take away from the boy's time in training.

 

Hi ya I work with children so I deal with parents like that on a daily basis!!!
Try and explain to the parents you need to discipline him in the lesion, other wise he will not take you seriously, and won’t listen to you. And try and get them to start, perhaps they then might understand how hard it is!

 

With children the job would be easier with out the parents!!! lol

 

smell...

*sniff, sniff

its that smelly type of smell. The smelliest type of smell that smells SMELLY.......

 

I used to work in a Childrens Theatre Company, and we often had similar problems:

In one particular case we gave the parent the ultimate, either the parent sit down and shut up, or them and their child will be asked to leave and not come back.
It sounds severe, but it worked really well.

If you decide that they are not allowed in the dojo, it might be wise to make it a blanket ban, ie, no parents are allowed in the dojo while a class is in session. So that the parents in question do not feel that they are being singled out.

 

Realistically, whatever this kids parents problems are, you aren't going to be able to fix them.

I'd say put up with the parents, put up with their innapropriate behaviour (to a certain extent anyway) and gain their trust. This kid really needs somebody sane on his side, and that can only be done by getting along with the parents.

You could put yoursekf in a vulnerable position if you were to start insisting on parents not being around, when you're training children as young as this. So that's not an option. As time goes on you'll probably find that they lighten up on the control when he's in class.

You should look at what you've achieved already, making so much progress with quite limited individual time, in such a short space of time, the MA training is benefitting this child more than an army of child psychologists could do. Well done.

 

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The dad and I get along very well, and we can relate more than the mom. He is there almost every time with the student, and was starting to get better for a short time until the mom started insisting on the surplus discipline. The last thing I want to do is put myself in a vulnerable position, but I still think that at least for the time being, the parents should let me teach him a bit more privately. The dad probably wouldn't have a problem with this, but the mom is the one who i'd be more concerned with. My hesitation is that I dont want to cause any problems between the two of them, that could result in any conflict with myself or my studio. A tricky situation, I still say. Thanks for your comments Bill

 

In that case you might have a 'secret ally' in the Dad. But whatever you do, don't let it appear that you are singling out the Mum or else they'll almost certainly close ranks against you.

Speak to them both together and ask them nicely to sit and watch and leave the discipline in class to you and you alone. If the Dad is happy with this then it might be harder for the Mum to start shouting at the kid if the Dad is complying with your request. He might even tell her to sit down and be quiet himself.

Whether that causes problems between them isn't your responsibility. Your'e not a marriage guidance councellor - you're an MA instructor! At the end of the day you're trying to make your classes a better place, and trying to help this kid. You can't be held responsible for the parents and their issues.