How can I deal with this?

Discussion in 'Off Topic Area' started by Bluesoup, Apr 28, 2017.

  1. Bluesoup

    Bluesoup Valued Member

    So, 2 days ago I knocked my brother out and fractured his jaw. I punched him with everything I had with no regard for anything, I was at that moment, not accountable for.

    You see he beat the crap out of my sister-in-law, his wife. I was at home relaxing and playing games (I still live with my parents) when suddenly I was called downstairs where I would see the swollen, beat up face of my sister. I've known her for 10 years and she's the biggest sweetheart I've ever met, so at this point I consider her my sister. I love her, she's awesome.

    She and my brother got married a few years back and they have a 1 year old super cute baby together.

    Now my brother is a very troubled individual. He is paranoid, narcissistic and a control freak. I've always been worried about him, because he's insane. His rage bursts like a volcano and his screams are so loud that you'd think the windows would burst. Aside from his insanity, he can be very fun to be around and likes to take care of the people around him. He especially likes cooking for the whole family. His pizzas and hamburgers are world-class, no joke. And he bakes a mean cheese-cake.

    So onto what happened 2 days ago.

    It was his birthday. We went out to eat at a nice Italian restaurant to celebrate his 32nd birthday. From the second we met up at the restaurant, I knew he was in a bad mood. Apparently something work-related was bothering him, so we tread carefully around him and tried to keep a positive vibe going on. But it was pointless, because everything seemed to irritate him. Eventually he zero'd in on the fact that his wife had spaghetti for her main course and not a fillet-steak. He could not drop this inane issue and eventually we finished our dinner and went home.

    I figured he was gonna rage about this stupid stuff again, but didn't expect anything more than that. I didn't because prior to this incident, he had never been violent with anyone. He was the type to lose his temper, but he had never been violent up to that point. However, I was in for a surprise that night. My worst fears and predictions all came true in 1 single moment.

    As I understand it, after we separated he, with his wife and baby started driving somewhere and his wife was not allowed to know where they were going. From one moment to the next, he started backhanding her with a closed fist while he was driving and continued to do so once or twice every 10 minutes. At one point he stopped the car and she tried to escape, but he tackled her to the ground and dragged her back by her hair. At some point he stopped, drove home and allowed her to leave the house. I suppose he came back to his senses by this point and was perhaps in shock from his own actions.

    She came to my parents house where I still live. I was playing video games and listening to Enya. I am the polar opposite of my brother, but there is one thing that infuriates me and that's injustice. When I saw my sister's battered face and traumatized look I sat her down, wrapped a block of ice in a towel and gave her glass of water. I listened to what happened and tried to comfort her as best I could. In the meanwhile my father had already left on a war path straight to my brother's house.

    I gave it a thought while looking outside towards the sky. A strange feeling of rage built up, a calm rage is how I would describe it. I went upstairs and got myself dressed again, I told my mother and my sister that I was going to see if everything was alright with my father and brother, but I lied.

    I went to my brother's house to beat him down. After all those years of verbal abuse and having to deal with his inane rage, he had finally become violent. I had come very close to beating him up many times before, but I never did. I always restrained myself and searched for rational solutions instead, but not tonight. "Tonight he dies" I thought.

    I arrive at my brother's house and I ring the doorbell, my father opens the door and the situation seems completely calm. I see my brother sitting on the armrest of his couch with my little niece in his arms. I already understood, but my father explained to me that my brother was using her as a shield so he wouldn't do anything to him. Without skipping a beat I walk right up to him, grab his throat (larynx part) and squeezed as hard as I could, so he would stop using his child as a human shield. I finally wrestle her off of him, to which my father took her to safety while I proceeded with my assault.

    I'm throwing hay-makers left and right, but my brother makes for the ground to avoid them. While he is on his knees, I repeatedly kick his legs after which he stood up and tried to get away. I throw 2 round house kicks to his ribs and finally connect with a right hook so violent and full of rage that he gets launched head first against a cupboard and crumples to the ground. Some pent up rage still remained and I soccer kick his legs twice and yell some stuff at him I don't fully remember. I calm down a few seconds later and immediately I'm worried that I killed him, but thankfully it didn't get any worse than it already was.

    My dad stayed with him for the night, he threw up a few times, but refused to go to a hospital even after my pleading. He told me to go home and that I did enough already.

    Fast forward to the present (2 days later) and he finally agreed to go to the hospital, because the pain was getting too bad to deal with. The doctor said he has some fractures in his jaw and he must wait to hear if he needs surgery or not. I'll update this later.

    I have 2 problems now:

    1. I love my brother, a lot. He was like my best friend and we did everything together. Watch football, play games, we help each other (mostly me helping him, but still) and we talk a lot about various things. I try to be source of good advice for him and I help him deal with many of his issues. But now, the memory of me punching him like that is screwing with me. I feel sad, angry, guilty and depressed and I go from one emotion to the other.

    2. After years of begging him to go to therapy, so he could become a happier person he has not done so. He said many times that he would, but never did. This time was no different and now he is adamant that he can solve his issues on his own. I have no faith in that and judging from what he did to his wife (read again if necessary), I now suspect that in the worst case scenario, where he does not receive therapy and regresses even further, he might end up murdering his wife and child in a fit of blind rage.

    Now I must say that what I did was in no way the right thing. In that respect I'm hardly any better than my brother.

    I wrote all of this to have some outlet about all of this. It helped me organize my thoughts I suppose.

    If there's something you'd like to say to me, do so without restraint. I'm usually the logical and rational type, so I won't take it personal. :eek:

    *update* He needs surgery. His jaw is loose and his cheekbone is also fractured.
    Last edited: Apr 28, 2017
  2. kandi

    kandi Valued Member

    Why didn't you call the police? Is this a joke?

    You aren't a hero. It's a sad situation but meeting violence with violence doesn't train anyone how to deal with the stresses of life using emotional maturity.
  3. Pretty In Pink

    Pretty In Pink Moved on MAP 2017 Gold Award

    So what's the question? Or are you just venting?

    Anyway, I'd agree that your brother needs therapy and your sister-in-law and her chikd probably needs to to be removed from that situation until such a time as your brother is deemed worthy of being around her (if ever).
  4. Bluesoup

    Bluesoup Valued Member

    A hero? I never claimed to be. I feel absolutely terrible and I regret my actions very deeply. Words cannot express...

    The right thing to do was to call the police, absolutely, but I was not in the right state of mind.

    I've always been an advocate of the fact that violence doesn't solve anything, but when I saw my sister-in-law completely beat up (her left eye was closed shut) I just lost the plot. I have no excuse for myself. I just lost it.
  5. Bluesoup

    Bluesoup Valued Member

    Honestly, I don't know. I think it's both.

    I don't know how I should feel, because everyone around me is telling me what I did was right, but I don't agree with them. So on a forum people just say it how it is, which is what I think I need right now. No patronizing nonsense. Just truth. I didn't know how to word the title.

    And yeah, I wrote this all out to organize my thoughts and vent.
  6. kandi

    kandi Valued Member

    I think you're humble bragging, looking for people to tell you that you did the right thing. You didn't.
  7. Bluesoup

    Bluesoup Valued Member

    I don't understand what I would be bragging about. I caused serious injury on my brother whom I love very deeply. Do you understand this? We are not just brothers, we are best friends.

    I'm messed up about this, because he beat the crap out of his wife. A person I also care very much for. She would go out of her way to bake my favorite cookies if she knew I was coming by, just because she's awesome like that and I've known her for 10 years already. She's an angel and he beat her up just because she ate spaghetti instead of fillet-steak.

    I'm just completely lost right now, I don't know what to think anymore. I feel numb and depressed.
  8. Smitfire

    Smitfire Cactus Schlong

    Honestly...your brother sounds like an a-hole and probably should have had a wake-up call from you and your family long before now.
    Sounds like he's been getting away with being emotionally abusive to those around him for years. Maybe even with some mental health issues which have not been tackled.
    Your sister-in-law and her child should get out while they still can. Your brother sounds like a serious crime waiting to happen (well one already has of course).

    I can understand why you did what you did but obviously it's probably not helped matters.
    Maybe getting a beating himself will make him think twice before going off on your sister in law again but I doubt it.
  9. aikiMac

    aikiMac aikido + boxing = very good Moderator Supporter

    1) You have good taste in music.
    2) I don't know where you live, but where I live, you committed a felony. He deserved it, but that's not an excuse in this scenario.
    Last edited: Apr 28, 2017
  10. Hannibal

    Hannibal Cry HAVOC and let slip the Dogs of War!!! Supporter

    Seek a lawyer - you just committed a crime

    Whether he needed "an adjustment" or not is not your's a legal one. Your desire to be the white knight is understandable, but you have probably just made things 10 times worse sadly
  11. aaradia

    aaradia Choy Li Fut and Yang Tai Chi Chuan Student Moderator Supporter

    Honestly, I would like to hear more about what you and everyone else in this situation is doing for your sister in law.

    An education in domestic violence is what your family needs pronto. Call a women's shelter or domestic abuse hotline and find out how to take care of her, so she doesn't go back to that abusive situation. Focus on her more than your brother or yourself.

    Unfortunately, you just made your brother a sympathetic figure and may have made it harder for her to leave him and the abusive situation.

    Channel your feelings of regret into doing something constructive. Funny how this is turning into you and your brother, when the focus should be on the abused person and how to help her psychologically break away from this.

    Although you should get a lawyer, because you did commit assault. Dealing with assault by doing another assault isn't good. Handling anger properly seems to be an issue in your family. I say this not to be insulting, but it isn't a coincidence. Counseling may be needed for your family in general.
  12. El Medico

    El Medico Valued Member

    Is your sister-in-law filing charges?

    Unfortunately I have had experience w/an individual (relative by marriage) not unlike your brother. Some can be very dangerous.Now, anyone may "lose it" at some point in their life,but individuals such as this are not the average anyone.

    She needs to press charges.

    Even if the standard "Oh,he cried and promised never again." stuff has happened.

    To hell w/that. She should get him busted and into family court.And therapy.

    I'm afraid that like any condition,if he refuses to see his problems,and many do,for her own and child's safety ties must be cut.

    I know it's easy to say this stuff,and much more difficult to do it.But this isn't a scenario of just possible future emotional abuse. That's bad enough but violent acts leave both types of scars.Or possibly worse.

    Sorry for the whole mess.

    Edit:Aaardia posted while I was writing. Here's her best part,again.

    "An education in domestic violence is what your family needs pronto. Call a women's shelter or domestic abuse hotline and find out how to take care of her, so she doesn't go back to that abusive situation. Focus on her more than your brother or yourself."
    Last edited: Apr 28, 2017
  13. aaradia

    aaradia Choy Li Fut and Yang Tai Chi Chuan Student Moderator Supporter

    El Medico, I wonder if OP won't encourage charges from his sister in law because if charges are pressed, the result is he might very well have charges against him as well.

    Self interest and all that.

    Although if he is truly regretful and responsible, he will encourage his sister in law to press charges and take responsibility for his own reactions.

    That is one way how his response complicated matters and made things worse. I am guessing it is affecting the idea of pressing charges all around.
  14. El Medico

    El Medico Valued Member

    Oh, I get ya on that.

    Should bite the bullet for the greater good in this situation.Her situation is more hazardous than what he's liable to face.

    But as I said,easy to say this stuff.
  15. Mitch

    Mitch Lord Mitch of MAP Admin

    1. Help for Sister in law and child. Get her out, get her help. Immediately.

    2. Help for brother. Time for tough love and make him get help.

    3. Help for you. Counselling if you need it.

    Beyond that the legal implications will be up to your SiL in many ways. But much more important than any of that is her and the child's safety. See 1.

    Difficult times ahead, I wish you well.

  16. Bluesoup

    Bluesoup Valued Member

    You hit the nail on the head here Aaradia.

    It has now totally become about my brother and how he has to go through surgery and the original issue doesn't seem to be the priority anymore. I've talked with my parents about this as well.

    For the record, I'm not afraid for any repercussions that may come my way should that situation arise. I live in the Netherlands and I'm self-employed. I'm not worried about this. However, it's not my call to make. Because ultimately it's up to my sister-in-law whether she wants to press charges against my brother or not. I do believe she's decided to give him another chance if he goes to therapy.

    Now as for my sister-in-law herself, she's gone to a doctor to check out her injuries who also made arrangements for her to talk to a psychologist. I'm not going to go against her wishes and destroy their family, I think I've already gotten too involved as it is. Obviously I'll talk to her that I will never do this again and encourage her to seek help (from us or otherwise) if it happens again. I hope the psychologist will get this through to her, but she seems rational enough to realize it's not her fault what happened to her husband.

    My brother is getting surgery on Thursday, his jaw needs to get restructured and will be set in place for 4 weeks during which time he can't eat solid foods. His cheekbone also needs to be restructured and they'll put pins in his face to keep it in place.

    I had no idea this could happen. I am haunted by my memory of punching my brother, it makes me sick to my stomach when I think about it.
  17. Mushroom

    Mushroom De-powered to come back better than before.

    Strongly suggest you go find legal counsel and also try what you can to find help.

    Domestic violence is a tricky subject and is never as simple as.
    I don't exactly know how your support services are like but please try your best and good luck to you.
  18. Rataca100

    Rataca100 Banned Banned

    Same really as been posted. Police/medical help. I belive the police/courts can force one into medical help if they are deemed to need it anyway. Consult correct authorities for details.

    (also dont we have a list of help organisations here somewhere? Like the NHS, Mind, Samaritans etc, go have a shufty at that list)

    found it: Forum with that list on it.
    Last edited: Apr 29, 2017
  19. Bluesoup

    Bluesoup Valued Member

    4 years later:

    My brother never went to therapy and the police never got involved as per the wishes of my sister-in-law.

    His jaw healed well and he even remarked that he looks better than before. His wife forgave him and he forgave me. We had some honest talks with each other and sorted it out.

    They have had a 2nd child since and everything has gone very well between them.

    After all the injuries were healed me and my brother started hanging out again and my sister-in-law was baking cookies for me just like before.

    I've kept my eyes open these last few years, but I noticed my brother was behaving much better in general towards his wife and I haven't seen any worrying signs at all.

    Both kids love their dad a lot and express it abundantly, the mother is loved just as much so I've taken it as a good sign of a healthy home-situation.

    I wanted to give this update to show that sometimes these things can end unexpectedly well despite what happened.

    As a family we never gave up on each other. We only grew stronger and more wise.
    Botta Dritta likes this.
  20. aaradia

    aaradia Choy Li Fut and Yang Tai Chi Chuan Student Moderator Supporter

    Thanks for the update. It is appreciated.

    I have to say, statistically, what you say is highly unlikely. That an abuser just stopped like that. That a "very troubled" person with fits of rage just stops with no counseling? I am frankly doubting this.

    I sincerely hope it is true and your family succeeded like you say.

    I must say I fear that the abuse is just being covered up better when you are around, easier to turn a blind eye to it. I hope that is not what is actually going on. But honestly, that is far more likely.

    Wish your family all the best.
    Last edited: Dec 8, 2021

Share This Page